The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 5 Mar 1997 18:15:26 +0000
Hiya People...
Here's what the Oracle had to say about Microsoft developing autopilot
software...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle, whose nose I'm not allowed to pick, tell your humble
> servant what will happen when Microsoft starts to make automatic
> pilots for airplanes.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well for starters, I'm moving into a deep cave.
}
} Here's how air travel will work when Microsoft introduces the AirTub
} 2000 (version 1.0).
}
} The passengers arrive at the airport gate, and look out of the window
} to see a cigar-shaped vehicle outside on the apron, and large piles of
} luggage sitting on the concrete underneath it. When asked about the
} absence of wings, the gate attendant says "Wings don't come bundled
} with this aircraft. Didn't any of you passengers bring a pair?" Upon
} ascertaining that nobody has any wings, the airline puts a call in to
} the maintenance department. Five hours later, a couple of flatbed
} trucks roll up carrying two wings. A team of workers attaches the
} wings to the plane. They are both right wings, so they install the one
} on the left upside down. A surcharge of $1250 is added to each
} passenger's ticket to cover the cost of the wings.
}
} Somebody wonders aloud when the luggage is going to be loaded onto the
} plane. It develops that the passengers are required to install their
} own luggage into the cargo bay. It takes two hours for somebody to
} figure out how to open the doors. Once the luggage has been loaded,
} all the passengers climb the rope ladder to the cabin. The seats all
} face sideways. When asked why, one of the flight attendants says "It's
} to make it easier to see out of the windows."
}
} An airline employee goes under the aircraft and presses a button
} located beneath the fuselage to boot up the autopilot. The engines
} buzz briefly, and then stop. This is repeated a couple of times, and
} then the airline employee goes back to get the proper device driver
} for the engines.
}
} Half an hour later, with the device driver installed, the engines
} finally come to life. The autopilot taxis to the end of its assigned
} runway. The aircraft is three feet wider than the taxiway, and it runs
} over all the little blue lights down the right-hand side. A Cessna
} parked on the apron gets in the plane's way, and it shears off the
} Cessna's rudder. There is some damage to the AirTub's right wing, but
} nobody notices.
}
} When it reaches the runway, the aircraft stops, waiting for clearance.
} Eventually, the air traffic controller presses the "OK" button on his
} console, and the plane takes off, cruising at a speed of 190 mph and
} an altitude of 640 feet. The passengers discover that when one of them
} goes into the lavatory, the air conditioning in the rest of the cabin
} stops running.
}
} One of the passengers notices that the engines are making a sort of
} coughing noise. It is presumed that they are infected with a virus.
}
} Five minutes later, the engines stop, and red lights start blinking
} all over the passenger cabin. The flight attendant stands, claps for
} attention, and announces, "The autopilot's had a general protection
} fault. We need somebody to get out and reboot the plane."
}
} I'll leave the rest of version 1.0 up to your imagination. When it
} reaches version 2.3, the AirTub autopilot will be pretty good -
} comparable with the ones on the market in 1996. When version 6.0 is
} introduced, it will no longer be an airplane. It will be a battleship.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket from Chicago to New York. On the train.