The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 30 Jul 1996 04:45:37 +0100
Hiya All...
The next part of the selection from Alan...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said,
Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to
cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to
be on the road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,
"What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the
stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I
couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan
club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you're Shakespeare?
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep,
you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are
closed? I'm like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you
eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the
floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light
on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part
of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What
are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something
on.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and
a box of three-by-fives.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told
me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give
it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a
period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make
erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found
spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for
sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New
York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a
cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it
was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter
said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of
them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then
I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a
spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the
headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I
don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice
until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the
lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in
a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be
ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to
the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the
time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay
there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them
away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the
same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them
looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can
guess what he told me.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I
think I might have written that."
"So, do you live around here often?"
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She
said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.
[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!