The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 30 Jul 1996 04:39:52 +0100
Hiya People... Here's the next lot of Catholic humour... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ******************Internet Goddess******************* *********************ANDROMEDA*********************** ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Here is the third installment of selections stolen without permision from _Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics 'by Dean Sullivan published by Simon and Schuster: Jesuits - An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. Jesus Christ - 1. The Son of God who became the Messiah, despite a few cries of nepotism. 2. One person who could truthfully answer yes to the question "Hey, were you born in a barn, or what?" Jesus freaks - The subtitle of the Gospel chapter in which Christ clears the temple. Jews - Known as "the Chosen People". Throughout history, whenever anyone felt the need to pick on someone, they always chose the Jews - if there were no Catholics or gypsies around. Job - A man who probably would have enjoyed root canal surgery. John the Baptist - 1. The man who started the wet look. 2. The guy your mother told you to stay away from - along with Jim the Lutheran and Chip the Episcopalian. Jonah - the original "Jaws" story. justice - When your kids have kids of their own. kneeler - What little children with muddy shoes love to stand on Kyrie Eleison - The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. Lamb of God - A prayer Catholics can say without missing a bleat. lapsed catholic - 1. A Catholic who only knows pig latin. 2. A Catholic who doesn't care if Southern Methodist beats Notre Dame in football. Last Supper - One of the strangest meals in history, because Jesus performed the First Mass and all thirteen in attendance sat on one side of the table. Latin - The language that died of irregular vowel movenents. Latin Mass - Vatican II-Latin 0 Lazarus - 1. A friend of Jesus who died but got better. 2. A man who was late to his own funeral. lector - The liturgucal reader who must speak louder than the sports coats of the ushers. lent - 1. The time of year when you borrow ham sandwiches from your Protestant neighbours. 2. The last chance before summer to keep those broken New Year's promises. limbo - A place for unbaptised souls who must bend over backwards to get into Heaven. Litany - The part of the Mass you don't need to memorize. "Love thy Neighbor as thyself" - The Golden Rule - for everybody except masochists. Lust - One of the seven deadly sins--confessed to a man who is not allowed to commit it. lyre - A bibical instrument that masqueraded as a harp. Madonna - latin for "like a virgin" Magi - The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower. manger - 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The bible's way if showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. manna - the trail of bread crumbs that God left for the Israelites so they could find their way out of the desert martyr - 1. Someone dying to be a saint. 2. A religious person who gets stoned. Mary, Blessed Virgin - The only mother who became well known for her virginity. Mary Magdalene - The woman the disciples greeted with "How's Tricks?" Mass - The kind of confusion that exists in the church parking lot every Sunday. Mass Attendance - How young Catholics "pay the rent" when they still live with their parents. mea culpa - An obscure way to take the blame for something without letting everyone know that you screwed up. "The meek shall inherit the earth" - The Lord's trickle-down theory. mercy - when there is no sermon on a hot Sunday. Messiah - A classical piece that Catholics have a Handel on. Methuselah - The oldest man in history at 969 years old, which is 6,783 in dog years. Middle Ages - When a Catholic is old enough to go to Mass alone, but still has to bring home a bulletin as proof. miracle - 1. A Catholic family with fewer that 6 kids. 2. An event with no reasonable explanation - such as "The Honeymooners: the Lost Episodes". 3. Divine intervention - prayed for most ardently in the waning seconds of football games. missalettes - The dancing girls at progressive masses. mitre - The hat that the bishop has to take off at movies. monks - What priests evolved from. monotheism - When God speaks to you over the AM dial of your radio. monsignor - A title conferred by the Pope on a priest that grants him an extra ten minutes of sermon each week. mortal sin - A sin which your parents would kill you for, if they found out. mortification - Ignoring your stomach growls during Mass. Moses - The leader of the Israelites who should have gone up the mountain a third time for directions out of the desert. Mount Sinai - The place where God told Moses to take two tablets and call him in the morning. myrrh - The second gift of the Magi, and a great scrabble word when you're out of vowels. Mysteries of the Church - Phenomena that are impossible to understand. For example, how a four-foot alter boy can lift a twenty-pound book high enough for a six-foot man to read from. Mysteries of the Rosary - Things to ponder while you're praying the Rosary - such as how to get the darned thing untangled.