The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 30 Jul 1996 04:39:52 +0100
Hiya People...
Here's the next lot of Catholic humour...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Here is the third installment of selections stolen without permision from
_Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics 'by Dean Sullivan
published by Simon and Schuster:
Jesuits - An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
with good basketball teams.
Jesus Christ -
1. The Son of God who became the Messiah, despite a few cries of
nepotism.
2. One person who could truthfully answer yes to the question "Hey, were
you born in a barn, or what?"
Jesus freaks - The subtitle of the Gospel chapter in which Christ clears
the temple.
Jews - Known as "the Chosen People". Throughout history, whenever anyone
felt the need to pick on someone, they always chose the Jews - if there
were no Catholics or gypsies around.
Job - A man who probably would have enjoyed root canal surgery.
John the Baptist -
1. The man who started the wet look.
2. The guy your mother told you to stay away from - along with Jim the
Lutheran and Chip the Episcopalian.
Jonah - the original "Jaws" story.
justice - When your kids have kids of their own.
kneeler - What little children with muddy shoes love to stand on
Kyrie Eleison - The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.
Lamb of God - A prayer Catholics can say without missing a bleat.
lapsed catholic -
1. A Catholic who only knows pig latin.
2. A Catholic who doesn't care if Southern Methodist beats Notre Dame in
football.
Last Supper - One of the strangest meals in history, because Jesus
performed the First Mass and all thirteen in attendance sat on one side
of the table.
Latin - The language that died of irregular vowel movenents.
Latin Mass - Vatican II-Latin 0
Lazarus -
1. A friend of Jesus who died but got better.
2. A man who was late to his own funeral.
lector - The liturgucal reader who must speak louder than the sports
coats of the ushers.
lent -
1. The time of year when you borrow ham sandwiches from your Protestant
neighbours.
2. The last chance before summer to keep those broken New Year's
promises.
limbo - A place for unbaptised souls who must bend over backwards to get
into Heaven.
Litany - The part of the Mass you don't need to memorize.
"Love thy Neighbor as thyself" - The Golden Rule - for everybody except
masochists.
Lust - One of the seven deadly sins--confessed to a man who is not
allowed to commit it.
lyre - A bibical instrument that masqueraded as a harp.
Madonna - latin for "like a virgin"
Magi - The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower.
manger -
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an
HMO.
2. The bible's way if showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.
manna - the trail of bread crumbs that God left for the Israelites so
they could find their way out of the desert
martyr -
1. Someone dying to be a saint.
2. A religious person who gets stoned.
Mary, Blessed Virgin - The only mother who became well known for her
virginity.
Mary Magdalene - The woman the disciples greeted with "How's Tricks?"
Mass - The kind of confusion that exists in the church parking lot every
Sunday.
Mass Attendance - How young Catholics "pay the rent" when they still
live with their parents.
mea culpa - An obscure way to take the blame for something without
letting everyone know that you screwed up.
"The meek shall inherit the earth" - The Lord's trickle-down theory.
mercy - when there is no sermon on a hot Sunday.
Messiah - A classical piece that Catholics have a Handel on.
Methuselah - The oldest man in history at 969 years old, which is 6,783
in dog years.
Middle Ages - When a Catholic is old enough to go to Mass alone, but
still has to bring home a bulletin as proof.
miracle -
1. A Catholic family with fewer that 6 kids.
2. An event with no reasonable explanation - such as "The Honeymooners:
the Lost Episodes".
3. Divine intervention - prayed for most ardently in the waning seconds
of football games.
missalettes - The dancing girls at progressive masses.
mitre - The hat that the bishop has to take off at movies.
monks - What priests evolved from.
monotheism - When God speaks to you over the AM dial of your radio.
monsignor - A title conferred by the Pope on a priest that grants him an
extra ten minutes of sermon each week.
mortal sin - A sin which your parents would kill you for, if they found
out.
mortification - Ignoring your stomach growls during Mass.
Moses - The leader of the Israelites who should have gone up the
mountain a third time for directions out of the desert.
Mount Sinai - The place where God told Moses to take two tablets and
call him in the morning.
myrrh - The second gift of the Magi, and a great scrabble word when
you're out of vowels.
Mysteries of the Church - Phenomena that are impossible to understand.
For example, how a four-foot alter boy can lift a twenty-pound book high
enough for a six-foot man to read from.
Mysteries of the Rosary - Things to ponder while you're praying the
Rosary - such as how to get the darned thing untangled.