The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 30 Jul 1996 04:51:43 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Here are yet more new Barbies due to hit the stores any day now...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Sister Mary Barbie
This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for
genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a
black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull
the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a
vow of silence.
Admin Barbie
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary),
and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that
actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string
on her back and she'll Schedule a meeting with your other dolls,
replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a
re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.
Temp Barbie
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic
Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes
untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out
why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff
envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a
liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing
cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code
revisions which need to be collated.
Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults
and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for
all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her
left hand ring finger).
Barbies We'd Like To See
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet
and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform
surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales
for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's
aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding
down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside
and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying
glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little
girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening
way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual
responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman
has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and
baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and
plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't
think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches
girls not to take shit from men and condescending people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous
two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control
theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double
chin, a real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous
thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes
with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken,
tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three
packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't
Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of
"Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no
surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off
airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem
certain to follow. Some possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream
Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live
rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk
sheets, and an arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on
the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a
horse.
America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of
crime against feminism.
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually
speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough
math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who
wear Barbie's clothes.
My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as
regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools,
and ponies.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored
with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated
from high school, married too young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the
Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other
dolls mysteriously disappear.