ajc6@ukc.ac.uk
Mon, 09 Oct 95 15:54:33 bst
> > > Motoring Statements > > Totally True Motoring Statements - With thanks to Jasper Carrot and Kaz. > > > -Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I > don't have. > > -The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. > > -I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand > through it. > > -I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. > > -A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. > > -A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. > > -The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I > hit him. > > -I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, > and headed over the embankment. > > -The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He went to rest in > the bush with just his rear end showing. > > -In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. > > -The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a > skid by steering it into the other vehicle. > > -I had been learning to drive without power steering. I turned the wheel > to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction > going the opposite way. > > -I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal > joint gave way causing me to have an accident. > > -As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place > where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time > to avoid the accident. > > -To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. > > -My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. > > -An invisible car appeared out of nowhere, stuck my vehicle, and > vanished. > > -I told the police that I was uninjured. But on removing my hat, I found > that I had a fractured skull. > > -When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed > into the other vehicle. > > -The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big > big mouth. > > -I saw the the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the > hood of my car. > > -I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch > by some stray cows. > > -The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out > of it's path when it struck my front end. > > -I saw her look at me twice; she appeared to be making slow progress > when we met on impact. > > -No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if > the other driver had been alert. > > -I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. > The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with > injuries. > > -I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I > reached an intersection a hedge sprung up obscuring my vision. I didn't > see the other car. > > -I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel > and had an accident. > > -I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the > roadway when I struck him. > > -The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. > > "The trees were passing me in an orderly row at fifty miles > per hour when suddenly one of them stepped out into my path." > > "I ran over a man, he admitted it was his fault since he had been knocked down > before." > > "I ran into a lamp post that was obscured by human beings." > > "The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week." > > > ---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 3 12:34:19 1994]-- > From: the second from the left... (chunkie) > > Subject: Message from chunkie. > > - I had to swerve several times before I hit 'im. > > ---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 3 16:12:39 1994]-- > From: End of term, end of money. (eldar) > > Subject:I never thought there were any more original ones of these. > > I have been proved right.... > > eldar. > > ---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 4 14:51:51 1994]-- > From: Hard Livers Have Hard Livers. (rik) > > Subject: I was sort of hoping - you might have heard some. Not you personally > - because I understand that they don't allow people who gibber behiind the > wheel of a car - or even out of the house very often - but I can hope. > > ---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 7 17:06:12 1994]-- > From: End of term, end of money. (eldar) > > Subject:Hmmm..... > > I have been on two insurance claim forms, never got to even try and write > something mildly original. Perhaps they should include a little box you could > tick if you want your claim to, be published be anyone who wants. > > eldar (wrote off 1 Metro, door of sherpa van, front of 2 other vans). > > ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 8 09:13:44 1994]-- > From: Unease in the breeze of silence (metallica) > > Subject:Third time lucky... > > maybe you'll do some serious damageto yourself next time :) > > > Metallica (goes off wondering why he's making so many offensive comments this > morning...?) > > ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 8 09:25:48 1994]-- > From: End of term, end of money. (eldar) > > Subject:Offense? > > I just want to write something funny in an insurance claim form, that's all. > It's just that "I was cutting a blind corner and ran into the front of a sherpa > van" isn't very funny, is it? > > eldar (sad but true...). > > ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 8 10:35:02 1994]-- > From: WastingAwayTheMomentsThatMakeUpADullDay (koyli) > > Subject:I saw the accident, but not the claim form, > > but this is how it might have been written..... > > 'I only realised that the bridge was not wide enough for two cars, after we had > crashed head-on.' > > ---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 8 11:16:20 1994]-- > From: End of term, end of money. (eldar) > > Subject:Bridges > > It wasn't a bridge. I'd got across the bridge alright.... > > What about, > > "The lorry parked in my line of view didn't allow me time to prevent the > accident." > > That is just about true of one of mine. > > eldar. > > > > >