The Loony Bin
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loonies@bloodaxe.com
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Fri, 26 Mar 1999 03:00:43 +0000
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya Loonies...
Here for the first time in a while...the news...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Lead Stories
* Beyond Global Warming: According to two physicists from the University
of Santiago de Compostela in Spain, whose work was reported in an August
issue of The New Scientist, Hell is certainly very hot (833 degrees
Fahrenheit), but so is Heaven (about 450 degrees). The researchers used
passages in the Bible reporting that "brimstone" (sulphur) boils in Hell
and that Heaven contains "sevenfold" the light of the sun for seven
days.
* Among the street theater performances at New York City's International
Fringe Festival in August: a 45-minute satirical bigoted rant against
hunchbacks from Nebraska; a six-person troupe performing Eugene
Ionesco's "Bald Soprano" play continuously, 24 times in 24 hours; and
"Brown and Blue," an "ode to excrement", celebrating not its dirtiness
but, according to the performer, "what a simple way it [presents] to
look at things."
* About 25 employees of the meticulously-maintained Boston Public
Library had grown so close to their work that they had to use the city's
grief-counseling services in August after a burst water main flooded a
building and soaked 50,000 cartons of books. Said a library executive to
a Boston Globe reporter, "It's a process just like when someone dies."
One employee complained of nightly panic attacks in which she
recurringly dreams of the flooding but cannot save the books.
Bottom of the Gene Pool
* Police in Bonita Springs, Fla., charged Randall James Baker, 45, with
aggravated battery in August for shooting his friend Robert Callahan in
the head and sending him to the hospital. A Sheriff's spokesman said
Baker and Callahan had a playful tradition between them of trying to
shoot the little button off the top of any baseball-type cap either of
them acquired, but that this time, alcohol played a bigger role than
usual.
The World Series of Selfishness
* Vying with David Cash (widely reported in the media recently for
refusing to stop his best friend from killing a 7-year-old girl in a Las
Vegas casino and then taunting his critics by pointing out that his
notoriety has helped him meet women): Young director-actor Vincent
Gallo, who savaged Robert DeNiro and other actors in a Hollywood
Reporter interview in August, and added, "I like that girls recognize me
from my work because it's easier to talk them into fellatio." Also,
Scott Johnson, father of one of the Jonesville, Ark., middle-school
shooters, criticized authorities after his son's sentencing hearing in
August, pointing out that the youth camp to which little Mitchell was
headed had a poor reputation and (through his attorney) that school
officials shared the blame for the shootings.
Recent Feeble Reactions
* Tony Faulks, 39, convicted in July in Sioux Falls, S. Dak., after
police found the $1,300 in marked bills from a robbery in his underwear:
He said he doesn't trust banks and thus always keeps his money down
there. And Mr. Siut Cheng, attempting to get out of a speeding ticket in
July while hauling a van full of lobsters: The best he could think of,
allegedly, was to offer the New Jersey trooper a bribe of five lobsters.
And former Nazi camp guard Jack Reimer, testifying at his citizenship
revocation trial in New York in August, answering charges that he fired
his gun into a group of Jews in Trawniki, Poland, in 1941: He shot
them, but he thought they were already dead.
Wedding Bell Blues
* The Hindustan (India) Times reported in July that a bride called off
her wedding in the town of Hapur, near New Delhi, because she was upset
that the groom had begun drunkenly insulting everyone in sight. All was
not lost, however: A guest at the wedding immediately proposed to the
woman, and the new couple were married later that evening. And in August
in Heraklion, Crete, according to a stringer for London's Guardian
newspaper, another wedding was aborted when the bride caught the groom
the night before sharing the soon-to-be conjugal bed with his best man.
Schemes
* In July, three men linked to the Republic of Texas separatist group
were arrested in Brownsville, Tex., and charged with conspiracy to use
weapons of mass destruction. According to the FBI, they had threatened
several state and federal officials, with their most ambitious plan to
shoot President Clinton with a modified Bic lighter (propelling air
instead of propane) firing a hypodermic needle, out of which would be
shot a cactus thorn that had been dipped in anthrax or botulism. The
attorney for one of the men called the alleged plan so "cockamamie" that
the government should not take it seriously.
* Thomas Stanley Huntington, 52, pleaded no contest to fraud in Aztec,
N. Mex., in June in a scheme to sell "California Red Superworms," which
he swore could eat up nuclear waste. He told buyers (who paid $125 a
pound) that a nearby radiation-waste cleanup plant would buy all the
worms they could breed, but it was left to the state attorney general to
inform the buyers that worms can't do that.
* In April, Hong Kong kitchen worker Yung Kwong-ming, 34, was ordered
into mental health counseling for his scheme of offering a teenage girl
a free gynecological exam provided she immediately give him a urine
sample and her underpants. Incredibly, his first try was successful, but
a second young woman he pulled the scheme on called the police, who set
up a sting.
* Herb Cruse, 77, was arrested in Charlotte, N. C., in August and
charged with extortion against the Carmike Cinema chain for a fanciful
scheme in which he claimed to have put his aunt's cremated remains into
a popcorn machine at a Carmike outlet and threatened to expose the
theater for selling "cannibal corn." Cruse told reporters in after his
arrest that (1) he didn't really do it, but (2) he did put some ordinary
ashes into a Carmike popcorn machine several years ago because he was
mad at the company, and (3) he mailed the company a letter of apology in
March 1998. However, federal prosecutors said he had contacted the
company again recently to try to extort money and cited a flyer in a
theater parking lot reprising the "cannibal corn" story and inviting
aggrieved patrons to sue the theater.
Least Competent Criminals
* Four teenagers were charged with misdemeanors in Oxford, Ohio, in
August for egging the houses of city officials in a dispute over the
town's water tower. Police identified the boys by looking at the
surveillance video at the town's only grocery store and locating the
scene the day before in which four kids happen to buy a large quantity
of eggs.
Recurring Themes
* Several times in the past 10 years, convictions have been reported of
young women who dressed as young men (including bandaged their breasts)
in order to date and to have sex (in the dark, obviously) with
presumably heterosexual young women. In June, Angela Marie Hoyle, 22,
was sentenced to six months in jail for her 10-month relationship with a
14-year-old girl in Gastonia, N. C., during which she used a strap-on
device to have sex. Said the victim, "I [hadn't ever] had sex or did
anything with another person, so I thought [this way] was normal."
No-Fault Infanticide
* Tanya Denby, convicted in Newport News, Va., in August of beating her
three-year-old daughter to death by excessive punishment: "I can't see
my baby anymore, but she's in a much better place. I'm glad God took
her." And Patricia Wells, indicted in April in Camden, N. J., for
aggravated manslaughter after six kids (including one of hers) died as
the van she was driving (at 70mph in a 25mph zone with no license and a
.151 blood-alcohol level) crashed: "It was the children's time to go,
and God wanted those children."
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