Letter of Complaint...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Tue, 16 Sep 1997 11:17:17 -0400 (EDT)

Hiya People...

How good are you at writing complaints? Perhaps we could all learn from
this person...

Wishes & Dreams...


Please do not reply to the loonies@coollist.com address. 
This may delay a response. Please use the addresses below.

***                                                 ***
***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
***           loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk          ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
***                                                 ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

Atlanta, Georgia
September 13, 1970

Billing Department
Shell Oil Company
Tulsa, Oklahoma 74102

Dear Sir:

I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for several
years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products.
Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of
Shell products and with the service of Shell employees. 

Included in my most recent statement from your department was a bill for 
$12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I.  Reels Shell
station in McAdenville, N.C.  I stopped at this station for gasoline and
to have a timing malfunction corrected.  The gasoline cost $5.15; eight
new plugs cost $9.36; labor on the points $2.50.  All well and good. 

Earlier in the day I had a flat tire, which the attendant at the Lowell
I. Reels station informed me that he was unable to fix.  He suggested
that I purchase a tire from him in order that I have a spare for the
remainder of my journey to Atlanta.  I told him that I preferred to buy
tires from home station in Atlanta, but he continued to stress the risk
of driving without a spare.

My reluctance to trade with an unknown dealer, even a Shell dealer, did
not discourage him and finally, as I was leaving, he said that out of
concern for my safety (my spare was not new) and because I had made a
substantial expenditure at his station, he would make me a special deal.
He produced a tire ("Hits a good one.  Still has the tits on it.  See
them tits.  Hits a twenty dollar tar.") which I purchased for twelve
dollars and which he installed on the front left side for sixty~five
cents.  Fifty miles further down the highway, I had a blowout. 

Not a puncture which brought a slow, flapping flat, nor a polite
ladyfinger firecracker rubberburpple rupture (pop); but a howitzer
blowout, which reared the the hood of my car up into my face, a blowout,
sir, which tore a flap of rubber from this "tire" large enough to make
soles for both sandals of a medium sized hippie.

In a twinkling, then, I was driving down Interstate 85 at sixty miles
per hour on three tires and one rim with rubber clinging to it in
desperate shreds and patches, an instrument with a bent, revolving, 
steel~then~rubber~then~steel rim, whose sound can be approximated by the 
simultaneous placing of a handful of gravel and a young duck into a
Waring Blender. 

The word "careen" does no justice whatever to the movement that the car 
then performed.  According to the highway patrolman's report, the driver
in the adjoining lane, the left hand - who, incidentally, was attempting
to pass me at the time - ejaculated adrenelin all over the ceiling of
his car.  

My own passengers were fused into a featureless quiver in the key of "G"
in the back seat of my car.  The rim was bent; the tits were gone; and
you can fuck yourself with a cream cheese dildo if you entertain for one
moment the delusion that I intend to pay the twelve dollars. 

Sincerely yours,

/signed/ T.B.T.

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