Computerscientistium...???

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Wed, 1 May 1996 10:57:13 +0100


Hiya Folks...

Is this one for the computer people or for our long-suffering
chemists...???...I can't quite decide...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA

-- 
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  ------- Forwarded message follows -------

-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --

Element:       Computerscientistium
Symbol:        Cs
Discoverer:    Disputed.  Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
               but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
               Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
               below).
Occurrence:    Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
               extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
               Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous
               deposits of money.
Cost:          The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
               expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.

Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
   pressure.  However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
   reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
   to remain useful.

2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
   generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
   proceed.

3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
   substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
   etc.  These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
   difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.

4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
   whiteboards.  These devices seem to act as a buffer when
   Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
   much of the energy.

   Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
   to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
   is held.  This will help to keep it stable.

5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
   Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks.  This behaviour
   has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
   take appropriate precautions just in case.

6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
   observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
   producing anything.

7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
   practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
   It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
   (especially the isotope Auditorium)


Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers).  However, it seems that
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.