The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Sat, 16 Dec 2000 22:28:13 +0000
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya People...
News from Santa for this Christmas...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
THE SANTA CLAUSE
Important news about Christmas...
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" and you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by
a Reindeer.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
PS: Other regions currently undergoing their own contract negotiations.
Final contracts will also be published upon ratification by the local
unions.
Please include this information if you forward this joke:
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