Alternative 'Sunscreen'...

The Loony Bin ( )
Fri, 7 Jan 2000 21:14:30 +0000

Hiya People...

Here's some advice for any Loonies who might have considered becoming an
IT contractor...

Wishes & Dreams...


*********THE LOONY BIN*************
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

(In the style of "Sunscreen" ...)

Become an IT Contractor.

Everyone has the right to rip people off. If I could offer you only one
tip for the future, contracting would be it. The long-term benefits of
contracting have been consistently misunderstood by scientists, whereas
the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own 9-5

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your ability to seem competent. Oh, never

You will not understand the power and beauty of your ability to seem
competent until it's faded.

But trust me, in 5 years, you'll look back at time sheets you wrote and
marvel at your ability to make up work, piss off permanent employees and
how much fun it really was.

You are not as greedy as you imagine.

Don't worry about where the next contract is coming from. Or worry, but
know that worrying is as effective as pretending you have some technical

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed
your greedy mind, like the realisation there will only be one Year 2000
on some idle Tuesday.

Increase your hourly rate every day to a level that scares someone.

Program badly.  Be reckless when writing code for other people.

Don't put up with people who know what they're doing.

Lie. Don't waste your time on technical facts. Sometimes you're ahead,
sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's your
pocket that is bulging.

Make up contracts you received. Forget the disasters. If you succeed in
doing this, become a Consultant. Keep your old time sheets. Throw away
your code.

Steal code. Don't feel guilty if you steal someone else's code. The most
wealthy people I knew at 22 didn't know how to program. Some of the
richest 40-year-olds steal other peoples GUIs.

Get plenty of contracts. Be kind to your employer. You'll miss them when
they're gone bust.

Maybe it'll compile, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll pay tax, maybe you
won't. Maybe you'll own 6 cars, 10 PCs and still be technically
brain-dead on your 35th birthday.

Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and pretend to be a
guru. Your choices are totally money influenced. So are everybody

Enjoy someone else's wallet. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid
of it or of what you can suck from it. It's probably the only time
you'll be happy.

Secretly ask for stock options, even if you don't deserve them. Tell the
permanent employees you got them.

Do not read programming magazines, they just confirm you're stupid.

Get to know your employer. You never know when you'll have to tap them
for some more cash.

Be nice to your accountant. They're your best bet to avoiding tax.

Understand that contracts come and go, but with a precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to prolong and extend theses contract, because
the older you get, the harder it will be to tell bare faced lies.

Write in VB once, but stop before it makes you a ponce. Write in COBOL
once, but stop before you crack up.

Kiss ass.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Hourly rates will rise. Permanent
employees will hate you. You too will be shown up by a 22 year old geek.

And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you wrote a line of code, it
compiled, you could understand it, "Hello world" linked and ran.

Kill that f*cking geek.

Don't expect anyone else to fill in your time sheet..

Maybe all good programmers are too busy writing documentation. Maybe
you're employer is desperate. But you never know when either one might
might wake up and smell the coffee.

Don't mess too much with Java or by the time you're 25 you will look
like a faggot. Be careful whose Java you use, but be patient with those
who supply it, the US court will decide for you.

Object Oriented software is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of
prolonging contracts and charging more, ensuring a constant cash flow,
painting over the shit code and re-selling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the contracting.....

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