The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Tue, 1 Sep 1998 00:42:04 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ------------------------ ListBot Sponsor Message ------------------------ Start your own FREE Email List! ...for your family, company, club, class, team, or any group! Discussion and moderated lists now supported. http://www.listbot.com/links/free ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiya People... The second part of Alan's thoughts for the day... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ******************************************************* ******************************************************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.com *** *** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ *** *** *** *******************Internet Goddess******************** **********************ANDROMEDA************************ ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. - P.J. O'Rourke, Speech to the Cato Institute, 1993 If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke, Speech to the Cato Institute, 1993 Please tell me you're Republicans. - Ronald Wilson Reagan, to surgeons as he entered the operating room, March 30, 1981 Microsoft: Quality is Job 1.1 President's essential character flaw isn't dishonesty as much as a-honesty. It isn't that Clinton means to say things that are not true, or that he cannot make true, but that everything is true for him when he says it, because he says it. Clinton means what he says when he says it, but tomorrow he will mean what he says when the says the opposite. He is the existential President, living with absolute sincerity in the passing moment. -Michael Kelly, "Clinton," _NYT Magazine_, July 31,1994 Am I afraid of dying in a race car? If you believe you will die in your bed, then why are you not afraid to climb into it each night? - Tazio Nuvolari When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are. - R. H. Grant The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russel Why is it, anything on this earth we do not understand, we are pushed down on our knees to worship or to damn? - Matt Johnson - Mind Bomb "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. I hate women because they always know where things are. - James Thurber A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. - Oliver Herford A bimbo is a young woman who's not pretty enough to be a model, not smart enough to be an actress, and not nice enough to be a poisonous snake. - P. J. O'Rourke I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress. - Steve Martin Women just want men who'll share your hopes and dreams. If you don't, we'll bitch at you until you die. - Stephanie Hodge Never date a woman whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are she believes it. - Wes Smith We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for .......... - Lily Tomlin I pay my bills late. I stretch the truth on my 1040A. I drink milk after the expiration date. I have never had a cholesterol check. I flirt with married women (hi Sue!). I thrive on NoDoz so I can sleep half as much and live twice as hard. I rip those little tags off pillows and matresses. I change my oil every 4,000 miles instead of 3,000. I own myown business. I ignore the surgeon general's warning. I never stop to ask for directions. I like my steaks rare. I stand outside at midnight and dare god to hit me with an asteroid. I step on cracks in the sidewalk. I eat peanuts in the garage area. I don't eat "lite" foods.I give bikers the finger. I write bad checks and race them to the bank with a deposit. I am not subject to the laws of physics. - Eldorado"(Jeff Oswald) on rec.autos.sport.nascar when asked if he had ever done anything dangerous. First learn your horn and all the theory. Next develop a style. Then forget all that and just play. - Charlie Parker, Jazz saxophonist Programming is like sex: One mistake and you support it a lifetime. Feminists are OK, but I wouldn't want my sister to marry one. - Unknown There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental (ballistic) missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on board. If they are ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust, not threatening the ozone layer. - Access to Energy, July 1993 ...But neither do politicians tell huge, entertaining whoppers: "Why, send yours truly to Capitol Hill, and I'll ship the swag home in boxcar lots. You'll be paving the roads with bacon around here when I get done shoveling out the pork barrel. There'll be government jobs for your dog. Leave your garden hose running for fifteen minutes, and I'll have the Department of Transportation build an eight-lane suspension bridge across the puddle. Show me a wet basement, and I'll get you a naval base and make your Roto-Rooter man an admiral of the fleet. There'll be farm subsidies for every geranium you've got in a pot, defense contracts for Junior's spitballs and free day care for Sister's dolls. You'll get unemployment for the sixteen hours every day when you're not at your job, full disability benefits if you have to get up in the night to take a leak, and Social Security checks will come in the mail not just when you retire at sixty-five but when you retire each night to bed. Taxes? Hell, I'll have the government go around every week putting money BACK into your paycheck, and I'll make the IRS hire chimpanzees from the zoo to audit your tax returns. Vote for me, folks..." - P.J. O'Rourke The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. - P.J. O'Rourke, author, "Give War a Chance" After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - P. J. O'Rourke The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. - P.J. O'Rourke Making fun of b_rn-ag_in chr_st_ans is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope." - P.J. O'Rourke Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. - P.J. O'Rourke The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten by the bird. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. Well, son... I'm an old black man, and you're asking me to try to sound like a young white man trying to sound like an old black man... and that's just too much pretending for me. -Bluesman KJ James, on being asked to 'play some Clapton' It's true, hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan Every once in a while, declare peace; it confuses the hell out of your enemy. - Ferengi Rule of Acquisition # 76 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labour. - Wernher von Braun Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more "user-friendly"... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. - Bill Gates (1955-1801) Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons. - Popular Mechanics, March 1949 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This message was sent via ListBot. To remove yourself from this list, please visit http://www.listbot.com/remove.html or send mail to loonies-unsubscribe@listbot.com Start Your Own FREE Mailing List At http://listbot.com/ -----------------------------------------------------------------