The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Fri, 28 Aug 1998 18:02:28 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
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Hiya People...
Here Alan sends us some of his thoughts for the day...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct,
not tried it.
- Donald Knuth
A university professor set an examination question in which he
asked 'What is the difference between ignorance and apathy'. The
professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered; 'I don't
know, and I don't care'.
-Richard Pratt, Pacific Computer Weekly, 20 July 1990
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a
feature.
Due to budgetary constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel
is being turned off.
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly
language."
Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled
labour.
-John Ciardi
Sobriety is fine in moderation.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with a crayon. Cut with an axe.
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn on your
headlights, does anything happen?
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member
of congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
A billion here, a billion there and pretty soon you're talking
about real money.
- Everitt Dirkson
Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live
there.
Sarcasm keeps you from telling people what you really think.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room
temperature.
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to
turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a
pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with
fewer opportunities for reward.
The average term length of a member of congress is approaching
15 years, and the average term length of a convicted criminal is
less than three. We've got that backward
- Oliver North, 22 September 1993
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
I am not arguing with you - I am telling you.
- James Abbott McNeill Whistler
God made all men, Sam Colt made all men equal.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!
Intellectual - n. 1. someone who can listen to the William Tell
Overture without thinking about the Lone Ranger. 2. someone who
thinks that Lou Gehrig was "that guy who Steven Hawking's
disease was named after".
Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.
If PRO is the opposite of CON, what's the opposite of progress?
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
Don't look back. The lemmings are gaining on you.
Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us edlin.
"Nature" is made possible by the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting.
- PBS
"The Creation of the Universe" was made possible by a grant from
Texas Instruments."
- PBS
To experience the thrill of sailing, one only needs to go in the
shower fully clothed, turn the cold water on, and start tearing
$20 bills.
If you make one or two ridiculous assumptions, you'll find
everything I say or do totally justified.
- Ashleigh Brilliant.
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the
way to your execution is not generally understood by less
advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.
- "Messiah's Handbook:Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
It has been said that the prospect of capital punishment does
not deter a criminal from committing a crime. But it certainly
*does* prevent him from doing it again.
Carpe Pecuniam! (Seize the money!)
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the
Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the
Universe is winning.
- Rich Cook
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
- Bjarne Stroustrup
I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages
of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out
of the gene pool.
- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog
it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.151592653589793 at
every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a
DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the
constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the
value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut
stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make the rest
of us wonder at the possibility that we might be missing
something.
- Gamel Abdel Nasser
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as
potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
regeneration.
- Dijkstra
Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Diplomacy is saying "Nice Doggy!" until you can find a rock.
Of course they beat up people. The whole point of government is
that it does things that you're not allowed to do, like beat
people, kill people, steal their property, kidnap and imprison
them, etc. If they couldn't do things you couldn't do, why would
you need them?"
- Phil Ngai
"All I know is that I am not a Marxist"
- Karl Marx; Attr. in Engels, letter to C. Schmidt, 5 Aug 1890
God created sex. Priests created marriage.
- Voltaire
The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with
annoying b_st_rds.
--Alexander Jablokov "The Place of No Shadows"
Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
- Mark Twain
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
anyone, but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Hey Santa! How much for your list of naughty girls?
I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough.
- M.C.Escher
The scariest part of living in the South is that we have people
who think that NASA is faked and that professional wrestling is
real!
Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program.
- Milton Friedman
If God dropped acid, would He see people?
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No sense in being a
damned fool.
It is the hour to be drunken! To escape being the martyred
slaves of time, be ceaselessly drunk. On wine, on poetry, or on
virtue, as you wish.
- Charles Baudelaire
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice there is.
Whoa mama, stay up!
- Bill Clinton, to his golf ball, 1993.
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I
strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass
stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and
those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid
currents beneath the crust to be absent - not because I wanted
to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive
feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run
in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less
than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the
error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point
where it would not run at all.
- George Greenstein,
"Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual
life, you would have received further instructions as to what to
do and where to go.
A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems.
- Paul Erdos
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