The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 17 Mar 1997 22:45:53 +0000
Hiya People...
For those of you in the UK, Pete (longtime Loony contributor and
Webmaster of the archive site) will be appearing on the show
'cyber.cafe' on ITV all over the country. It is invariably shown late at
night, but I unfortunately can't give you the days and times as they
vary from region to region. He is appearing as one of the contestants on
a Star Trek related quiz.
This one's from Joke of the Day...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the
past year:
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.
The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.
When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they
were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the
nitroglycerin explode.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500
lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to
undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under
her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her
chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And
last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The
Human Couch".
- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
with a complaint of belly button lint.
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make
it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes
ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was lying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine)
that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing
with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if
there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk of
AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean
like having sex with our dog?"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom
and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."