The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 13 Jan 1997 20:12:31 +0000
Hiya Folks...
If you surf the net, you have almost certainly exchanged cookies with
remote machines, perhaps without knowing it...here's a story for those
of you who understand what I'm referring to...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>***<bloodaxe@bigfoot.com>***
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
*** ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS, IT WILL DAMAGE YOUR COMPUTER.
I have been reading about people finding cookies on their computer's
hard drive.
They said that somehow the cookies help different sites on the Internet
better serve people who visit their sites.
I searched endlessly for any signs of cookies, but I could no find any.
I didn't want to appear unfriendly to the managers of these Internet
sites, so I set out on a mission to locate cookies of acceptable quality
for these important people.
I searched endlessly at dozens of stores. First, at large discount
chains that sell computer supplies, but I received very confused looks
when I asked for cookies to make Internet managers happy.
These stores were absolutely no help, it is obvious that stores of this
caliber should not be selling computers if they are unable to provide
even a clue as to how I can purchase acceptable cookies.
I read about it on the Internet, so I know that it is true.
Finally, I decided that I would not be able to get any useful service
from the largest stores, let alone save money in the process.
I then started visiting stores who's sole purpose of existence was
selling computers. Certainly they must have a clue what type of cookies
I should buy.
The first couple of stores were no help; they kept claiming that you
don't give cookies to a computer.
"I can see that you have no experience with the Internet," I said as I
slammed their doors.
The man at the next computer store that I went to at least knew
something about these cookies that I am looked for.
He said that different Internet sites need to have different types of
cookies on your computer for different purposes.
He also told me that cookies should be removed after a while. I guess
that this is to prevent spoilage, or to prevent those computer viruses
that I heard about on the Internet from invading my computer.
Unfortunately, he had not fresh cookies in stock.
With the knowledge that I gained at the last computer store, I set out
to the supermarket to locate a fresh variety of cookies to make the
managers of the Internet sites happy.
I demanded nothing but the best, only the freshest cookies for my
Internet managers.
I picked up a variety pack that included peanut butter, chocolate chip,
and sugar cookies. I was sure that the Internet managers would like at
least one variety of cookies that I had to offer.
Back at my desk, I found an open slot in the front of my computer. I
heard that someone on the Internet was using this slot to feed credit
card information into their computer, so I thought this must be the
input device that I overheard the people at one of the computer stores
talking about.
After placing the first cookie in place, I realized that I had just
enough room for two more cookies. 'Great,' I thought, 'just enough room
for one of each variety.'
When I turned the computer on, it just made a slightly loud spinning
noise as Windows 95 was booting. I guess that this was just the
computer spinning the cookies around on its lazy Susan so that the
Internet managers could have a clear view of the cookies that I had to
offer.
No luck, I could see no advantage to inputting the cookies in this
manner.
I figured that the cookies must not be reaching the appropriate spot on
the hard drive for the Internet managers to get a good view.
I unplugged the computer so that I would not get electrocuted - very
painful, but easy to remember. I then set out to open my computer case.
What? These are strange looking screws, kind of looks like the
manufacturer was trying to dress up the back end of the computer by
using star shaped screws.
I jammed my crosshead (I know that it has a proper name) screwdriver
into the screws' holes. With the help of a metal chisel I was able to
remove those decorative, but stubborn, screws.
Ah, I found the box that was kind of like the pictures that I saw on the
Net. Using my crosshead screwdriver again I worked the cover off.
No wonder there are no cookies in here, there is no room.
Someone else on the Internet was talking about expanding the available
space on their hard drive, something about drive space.
I saw two options here: get a new hard drive (heard about one that was
more than 5 inches wide), or take out some of those shiny plates in the
hard drive. I could see no reason for all of them to be in there, I only
needed one to place my cookies on.
So I removed all but one, then resealed the case - what a tight fit.
I replaced the fancy screws in the back with a bit more tame model, not
quite as fancy, but my only option since I broke the originals.
Plug in the power and start the machine up. Funny, it does nothing.
I heard about people booting and rebooting their computer (on the
Internet of course). So I tried it, putting on my shoes so that I
wouldn't hurt my toes, I booted the daylights out of that machine, and
yet it didn't help.
I just don't understand, I followed the advice of experts on the
Internet, experts in computer stores, and even experts in the bakery
section of the supermarket, yet it still broke.
I thought about contacting Microsoft, but they only deal with software
problems. This is definitely a hardware problem since I used a
screwdriver and chisel.
I guess tomorrow I should try the hardware store downtown. Maybe they
will have some advise as to how to get my computer to accept cookies.
Maybe I should seek legal action, since all of these so-called experts
advised me to do this....
And the moral of the story...
1. Don't believe that what you hear that worked in one situation will
work in another.
2. Don't take everything that you hear on the Internet as truth.
3. Make sure that you know all of the details involved before
performing any operation on your computer.
4. Computer terms are different from common terms.
5. Keep food away from your computers.
No computers were damaged in the production of this story. Any
resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental.
Charles Hooper