Cards...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Mon, 9 Dec 1996 01:05:14 +0000


Hiya Folks...

Here are some cardplaying jokes for you...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
***           loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk          ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

UNIVERSAL POKER
by Brian Cash <bcash@nortel.ca>

 <Order>  Is each here?  Does each have his opposite?
 <Chaos>  I am here, but my opposite is you.
 <Order>  Huh?
 <Evil>   Don't let him bug ya'.  We're here.
 <Truth>  My opposite is not here.
 <Good>   Is your opposite "Lies"?
 <Truth>  My opposite is "Void".  He couldn't make it.
 <Evil>   >snicker<  Figures!
 <Order>  Agh!  How are we going to seat five!  This table is made for 
          six!
 <Evil>   Just take out his chair and move over.  Sheesh!
 <Good>   I have the cards.
 <Evil>   I've got the chips.
 <Truth>  I have the beer.
 <Chaos>  I have the cards!
 <Order>  Shut up.

 ...

 <Order>  Whose deal is it?
 <Evil>   Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
 <Truth>  It is Good's deal.
 <Good>   OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
 <Evil>   How can anyone win if everything is wild?
 <Good>   No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
 <Order>  I like this game.
 <Evil>   This is pointless.
 <Truth>  It is time to deal.
 <Good>   Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
 <Truth>  Five.
 <Order>  Five and raise you five.
 <Evil>   Don't you morons get it?  It doesn't matter how much you bet!
 <Order>  I like ten better.
 <Evil>   >sigh<  Call.
 <Chaos>  I fold.
 <Evil>   YOU CAN'T LOSE!
 <Chaos>  I still fold.
 <Good>   OK, I'll call.  How many, Truth?
 <Evil>   What's the point in taking more cards?
 <Truth>  I will keep the cards I have.
 <Order>  I will take two.
 <Evil>   Why?!?
 <Order>  I didn't like those.
 <Evil>   None for me.
 <Chaos>  I'll take six.
 <Good>   Sorry, you folded.  Dealer keeps his.  Bets?
 <Evil>   Oh, just get this over with.
 <Order>  But now we have to bet!
 <Evil>   Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
 <Truth>  I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
 <Truth>  I have five aces.
 <Order>  I have five ace of spades.
 <Chaos>  I have a three.
 <Good>   Please be quiet.  I also have five aces.  We all win.
 <Evil>   Hold it, bub.  Six aces, read'em and weep.
 <Good>   Where did you get that card?
 <Truth>  He stole it from Chaos.
 <Evil>   You know the rules, boys.  The pot's mine.
 <Good>   That was a stupid game.
 <Order>  Whose deal is it?
 <Truth>  The dealer progression is opposite the deal.  Chaos deals.
 <Chaos>  Whee!
 <all but Chaos>  >groan<
 <Chaos>  Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and
          kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
          and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered
          spade showing...
 <Order>  I fold...


SURVIVAL KIT

Ned took a job working alone in Canada's far frozen north.  "Here's your
emergency survival kit," said his boss.  "It contains a box of flares, a
radio and a deck of cards."

"What are the cards for?" Ned asked.

"In case the flares don't work, and the radio freezes up," replied the
boss, "just take out the cards and play solitaire.  In about ten seconds
someone will tap you on the shoulder and say, 'Put the red nine on the
black ten.'"

Kevin Hilgers in One to One