The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 28 Jul 1996 19:12:29 +0100
Hiya Folks...
The first of several parts from Alan...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were
here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,
"What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much
time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food
you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If
I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She
said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the
Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different
print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't
get it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why
haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new
phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said,
"I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't
think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my
fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish
go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme
another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me
are furious!