Incentive for all of us.... (fwd)

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Sat, 4 May 1996 13:08:37 +0100


Hiya People...

Here's a good one from Chuck...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx
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************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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***                THE LOONY BIN                  ***
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*********************ANDROMEDA***********************

  ------- Forwarded message follows -------


DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS -- BRITISH DIVISION
     
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs
(medals) for dubious distinctions.
     
Tortoise Trophy -

To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include
trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
     
Rubber Cushion -

To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together.
     
Crimewatch Cup -

Gold star:  To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo.  His error was having tattooed on his forehead, in large
capital letters, the words: "HENRY SMITH".  His lawyer told the court:
"My client is not a very bright young man."
     
Silver star -

To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but
became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call, that he began
screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.
     
Bronze star -

To Paul Monkton, who used, as his getaway vehicle, a van with his name
and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
     
British Cup -

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved onto intercourse... but complained when the pair lit
up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
     
Flying Cross -

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft,
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten
by a cat.  Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains
and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third
place.
     
Lazarus Laurel -

To Julia Carson, who, as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in
a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was
going on.  Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs.
Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
     
Silver Bullet -

 To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock... and was killed instantly when it fell on him.



I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.