The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 7 Apr 1996 15:15:58 +0100
Hiya People...
A bit of biblical humour from Dragon (thanks Dave)...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
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**********************ANDROMEDA**********************
------- Forwarded message follows -------
N.B. This is not my own work
A STORY OF CREATION AND THE FLOOD
In the beginning there was absolutely nothing at all. Not even a
formless void, seriously nothing.
And God said 'This is bloody marvellous.'
Then in a careless moment he created something that was not nothing
and the whole of the universe suddenly sprang out of it. Light,
darkness, time, space, a vault of stars, heaven, earth, seed-bearing
plants, water and air teeming with living creatures and all manner of
creeping things that inhabit the earth.
And God said, 'Whoops'
Then amongst the many creeping things on the earth he noticed a man
and a woman who were not entirely unlike himself and he said unto
them. 'It is not good for you to be alone and certainly not good that
you have no computing power. I give to you each a perfect PC,
engineered to the highest standards and absolutely crash resistant.
The operating system is entirely intuitional and upgrades itself to
your own personal needs on the fly. It consumes no power and will
serve you for your entire life, which of course in Eden is a bloody
long time.'
And Adam and Eve said, 'That's jolly decent of you.'
Now both of them were naked but they felt no shame in front of each
other.
The serpent was the most subtle of all the wild beasts that God had
made. It asked the woman, 'Did God really say you must not under any
circumstances take the back off your PC?' The woman answered, 'We may
take the back off any of the appliances in the Garden and generally
tinker with any interesting technology but of the PC God said "You
must not take the back off it, nor even consider taking the screws
out and having a peek inside, under pain of death." '
Then the serpent said to the woman, 'No! you will not die! God knows
in fact that on the day you open up the case your eyes will be opened
and you will be like gods knowing good and evil.' The woman saw that
the PC was extremely clever and pleasing to the eye, and that it was
desirable for the knowledge that it could give. So she took the back
off it and looked inside and she showed it to Adam who was with her
and he looked inside also. Then the eyes of both of them were opened
and they realised that they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves
together to make themselves loin-clothes but not before they had dug
out their Polaroid camera.
Adam and Eve heard the sound of God walking in the garden and they
hid from him because they were naked. God said 'How did you know you
were naked? Have you tinkered with things you should not have?' And
Adam said, 'It was Eve, not me, honest. She took the back off and I
had a brief look inside.' And Eve said, 'It wasn't my fault, the
serpent tempted me and I looked.'
Then God said to the serpent, 'Because you have done this, be
accursed beyond all corporate managers. You shall be the managing
director of a world software monopoly and be despised by all
creatures. I will make you enemies of each other, you and the woman,
your offspring and her offspring. She will crush your head and you
will strike her heel.'
To the woman he said, 'I will multiply your pains in computing, you
will from now on have to use IBM compatible machines. You will have
to learn in pain the horrors of interrupts, conflicts, shortage of
memory, dip switches,inexplicable crashes, parity errors, the RS232
standard, mountains of jargon and programs engineered to work more
slowly so that you have to buy a faster machine for no net gain!'
And to the man he said, 'Accursed be the whole field of computing for
you. Every day you will have to take the back off your machine. Each
part of your system will be driven by a separate daughter board each
one conflicting with the next. There will be no support for anything
because the standard you buy into will be obsolete on the day your
cheque is cashed! You will become obsessed with upgrades and 'faster'
will become your new god. You will spend more time with your PC than
with Eve and she will become majorly pissed off.'
And so God expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. He banished
them and in front of the garden he posted two mighty bouncers, and
set in the gateway a massive Apple through which no mortal could pass.
The man had intercourse several times with Eve and she conceived and
gave birth to a surprising number of children. And inexplicably
without the hint of incest the world was populated with computer
engineers, systems analysists information technologists and PC
magazine editors.
THE FLOOD
God saw that the wickedness of man was great and that the thoughts of
his heart fashioned nothing but wickedness all day long. God
regretted again having created everything and resolved to do
something about it. And he said, 'I will destroy everything, all
birds of the air and fish that make their way through the waters, all
creeping things which I never liked anyway and all men and women who
have become corrupt. I will send a mighty flood, a deluge that will
engulf the whole world. A seductive operating system that will
promise everything but which delivers nothing! A program that will
enslave and destroy the world.'
However one or two people had found favour with God. He looked at the
earth and saw that a few men and women had never ever taken the backs
of their computers! In fact they never thought about why they should,
for their machines worked faultlessly, never crashed and never needed
pointless upgrades.
And God said, 'That rings a bell.'
Hurriedly returning to the Garden he found a distinct lack of
personelle on the gate, no Apple and absolutely no PCs inside....
So while the flood wreaked havoc over the face of the globe just a
few climbed aboard the ark clutching the fruits of Eden!
And then, realising he had been a bit harsh God said, 'Never again
shall I curse the earth, its wildfowl, its fish nor its seed-bearing
plants . You may freely use the machines made in the Garden and as a
sign of this new covenant I will mark each one with a rainbow in the
shape of an apple.'
And Lo, after the flood had receded the travellers on the ark
inhabited a new country and enjoyed a land flowing with rivers.
Especially happy were the two very large gentlemen who became
exceedingly rich and especially unhappy were the horrible creeping
things which inhabited the earth, they were totally obliterated.
Here endeth the first lesson.