The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com)
Sun, 06 Jul 03 02:32:34 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Now it's time for the ladies to learn the truth about new millennium
man...this one comes from Pete...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
******* THE LOONY BIN **** loonies@bloodaxe.com
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Archive: http://www.theloonies.co.uk/
*********** ANDROMEDA **** Internet Goddess ***********
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of
equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights
back!!
Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead... Long live the Man of the New
Millennium.
Listen up ladies; this is how it REALLY is...
* If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer. Just get your arse down to a gym.
* Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put the bloody thing
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about
you leaving it down.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we
dare to comment on it. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present... again.
* Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Saturday = Sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
* Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
* Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!
* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
* Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
* Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with that particular dress?
* 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
* Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
* Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.
* Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
* It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody
chocolate you eat!
* Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us
from reading them.
* The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
* If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. If we don't
look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the
commercial breaks.
* When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and
definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
* If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to
finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I
couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
* Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
* If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as
well.
* A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, good
wine and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of
the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the
category "garnish".
* Do not question our sense of direction. If you can learn this, then
man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
* Crying is emotional blackmail.
* We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar.
* Remind us frequently beforehand.
* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
* ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
* If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. it's genetic.
* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as computers, football, fluff in your navel, Zen and
the art of picking your nose, the 4-4-2 formation or the benefits of
drinking real ale.
* You have enough clothes, and too many shoes. Yes, you did hear right.
Too many shoes!!
* BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
* I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
The ball's in your court.
Sincerely, The Lads
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