Tips for a Better Life...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Sat, 02 Nov 02 00:19:13 -0000


Hiya People...

Time now for some tips which will change your life for the better...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

******* THE LOONY BIN **** loonies@bloodaxe.com *******

         Archive: http://www.theloonies.co.uk/

*********** ANDROMEDA **** Internet Goddess ***********

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

 
USEFUL TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE
-----------------------------
  
This section is here to help you! Situated in this here documentation
doobrey is a collection of useful tips that you have probably so far
lived without, unable to reap the benefits they do bring forth. To help
you more efficiently we have broken the tips up into sections. 
  
SECTION 1: Hazards
  
Always check water temperature before jumping in a kettle.
  
When sleeping in an Eskimo's igloo always ensure that there are no loose
ice bricks above your head.
  
To alleviate suffocation, breath normally.
  
Beware of Greeks baring gifts.
  
If you find yourself falling out of a tenth storey window, scream a lot,
then die, ensuring you clean the pavement afterwards, rather than being
selfish and expecting someone else to do it for you!
  
SECTION 2: Medical Considerations
  
Eating breeze blocks can, on some occasions, lead to indigestion.
  
Keyhole surgery is not cutting someone open with a key.
  
If someone is having breathing difficulties, don't give them oxygen,
give them helium, they'll be up and about much more quickly. Tie them to
a breeze block first. DO NOT eat it.
 
SECTION 3: Cookery
  
Buy ingredients
  
Buy cooking equipment
  
Learn how to cook
  
SECTION 4: Computing
  
If the letter "A" appears on screen at any time then just press the
button marked "Reset" or "Power"
  
To eliminate the need for an expensive printer, just place some paper
and a carbon copy sheet behind your monitor.
  
The Esc. Button is your friend. Press it all the time.
  
Use your printer to print intricate designs directly on to wedding,
birthday, x-mas cakes etc.
  
CD-ROM's are very nice in cheese toasties.
  
To free up much needed memory just type "FORMAT C:". This will give back
to you much of the valuable space taken up by needless operating
systems.
  
If you have trouble with word processing just use an autoformatting
function. These are accessible in most word processors by rapid pressing
of the key marked "Delete".
   
SECTION 5: Money Saving
  
To become very rich draw lots of 10 notes onto face flannels and pay
them into your bank.
  
Another way to become very rich, just buy all 14,000,000 possible
combinations in next week's national lottery.
  
Don't spend anything.
  
Sell your car, and don't spend anything
  
Sell your car and all your clothes and don't spend anything
  
Sell your car, all your clothes, and your house and everything you own
in the whole wide world... and don't spend anything
  
To avoid buying a daily newspaper, just read the same one everyday.
  
Use lard instead of cheese.
  
Don't use your own money! Use someone else's!


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