The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Fri, 01 Mar 02 01:16:46 -0000
Hiya Loonies...
Lots of people do it - lie on their resume or CV - but sometimes it's
not the best idea...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
Archive: http://www.theloonies.co.uk/
************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
LIES ON A RESUME CAN GET YOU IN TROUBLE
If you're a college senior, you've probably spent the last few months
polishing your resume, hoping to land your first high-paying job, so you
never again have to share a two-bedroom apartment with 18 people. Not to
mention three cats, two dogs and one messy, always-hungry freshman.
A resume is an important document that keeps employers from having to
interview 12,000 people for one job. They can take just one look at a
resume and say either "could be a good hire" or "could be a good liar."
Usually the latter.
A resume, to be absolutely precise, is a summary of what you
accomplished in college when you weren't sleeping, eating and drinking.
In other words, it's a sheet of paper that's a lot like your last bank
statement: blank.
Most employers are looking for "experience" and, unfortunately, they
don't mean dating experience, partying experience, or throwing-up-on-
the-carpet experience. They mean relevant work experience.
Of course, that seems unfair. After all, you didn't go to college to get
relevant work experience. You went to college to get a spouse. And
perhaps an education.
But you know that you can't leave your resume blank, especially if
you're trying to get a job at a place that doesn't serve fries.
So how do you fill that resume? Well, thankfully, you have several
options:
- You can write your name, address and telephone number in huge letters.
You'd be guaranteed to grab an employer's attention. The employer may
even call a staff meeting to show off your resume and say, "Check out
the students our colleges are producing these days."
- You can list 35 people as references, including your classmates,
roommates, hair dresser, mail carrier, pizza delivery guy, and, if you
feel lucky, perhaps even a professor. Employers would appreciate such a
resume, especially if they're trying to build a mailing list.
- You can list all your activities in college, including playing video
games, surfing the Net, and conducting research on the opposite sex.
Most employers like well-rounded people, so you may also want to mention
that you ate lots of pizza.
Unfortunately, none of those options will get you a job, so you'll
probably have to resort to a less desirable, but more effective option:
embellishing. Unless you're a genius, you cannot write a good resume
without a little embellishing. Its like wearing make-up - really thick,
hide-the-pimples-and-tattoos make-up. Most job-hunters are "guilty" of
embellishing and some go a little too far.
For example, you may be inclined to:
- List yourself as Taco Bell's CFO (chief financial officer), because
you spent the last four months running the cash register.
- Brag that you "cut expenses at the restaurant chain," because you once
found a packet of taco sauce in the men's room.
- State that you "issued important directives to benefit the company,"
because you once ordered the part-time dishwasher to "drop the chalupa."
- Say that you "improved the company's web site," because you reached
behind the register to remove a large spider web.
- Declare yourself a "quality control expert," because you ordered a
burrito and asked the cook to "go easy on the beans."
But you have to be careful. Some of those statements would be considered
lies, even by the jury that released O.J. Lying can get you in deep
trouble. Especially since you're not a politician. Trust me on this:
It's better to have 18 rowdy roommates than one hostile cellmate. You
don't want your next resume to say: "Conducted first-hand research on
the flexibility of human bones."
- Melvin Durai, columnist
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