The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Thu, 20 Sep 01 04:00:25 +0100
Hiya All...
Today we present a collection of real groaners...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
When I picked up my then 4 year old daughter from religious school one
Sunday, I asked her what she had learned. She proceeded to tell me how
God had made night and day one day, and the heavens and earth another,
the plants, fish, animals, etc. on other days.
"And do you know what He did on the seventh day" she said. "Arrested
people!"
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm.
He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase
"Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy,
for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around
all the time."
Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a
courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments
into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never
abandon their 4 o'clock tea time, and therefore would always bring down
their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire
to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey. This tactic used by the
British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.
Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his
family circle, but he never found any women appealing - especially in
the boob department - that weren't within his familial group. He
postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own
family in his Theory of Relative Titty.
A high school physics teacher had a summer job as a beach lifeguard. He
noted that the best tanned babes flirted the most throughout the summer,
though they never found steady boyfriends. He theorized that: A body in
lotion trends to stray emotion.
"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the
society matron protested. "Can't you find *some* way to cover up the
shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced
by two paid studs?"
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer,
"I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had
an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following
inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"
Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being
a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he
tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate
lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story? - Better Nate than lever!
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