Failure to Communicate...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Mon, 20 Aug 01 12:23:22 +0100


Hiya Folks...

I suspect we've all had conversations like this with the people at tech
support...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
	xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********

         Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


A failure to communicate (or tech support hell)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a joke that was popular a few years ago when Bill Gates made
it big, and it went something like this:

Q: What do you call that geek from your high school class after
graduation?
A: Boss.

That's a funny line and it probably makes high school much easier to
bear for a lot of geeks. However, I'm here today to tell you that it is
only true for three out of every 10 geeks. For the other seven, the joke
should be:

Q: What do you call that geek from your high school class after
graduation?
A: That @#$^%&! person in tech support.

I say this because I administer a couple of web sites and I spend a lot
of time on the Internet. This means that I qualify for the Frequent
Mousing Plan, and that I am developing a bad case of Computer Butt. It
also means that I occasionally need to report problems to tech support
departments.

I have dealt with several companies in half a dozen countries, and I can
safely say that I have yet to actually receive technical assistance. I
think this is because all tech support personnel are put through a
rigorous training program that teaches them to use the following methods
to deal with a support query:

STEP 1 - Assume the person requesting assistance is a moron.
STEP 2 - Tell them to check if their computer is plugged in.
STEP 3 - Tell them that the problem was due to "system maintenance" and
that they should try again. Say, in a week or so.
STEP 4 - Give them a really long, complicated and technical sounding
explanation that has nothing to do with the problem they're asking
about. The section marked "Warp Drive Plasma Injection Manifold Repair"
from the Star Trek Encyclopedia is very useful here.
STEP 5 - Blame their computer.
STEP 6 - Stop answering their emails.

You think I'm joking, but sadly, I am not. Consider the following
transcript from one of my recent bouts with the tech department of my
web host:

ME: My web site is experiencing intermittent read timeout failures. They
appear to be random. Sometime the site will be unreachable for five
minutes, sometimes for five hours. My customers are complaining. What's
the problem?

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
Try typing  GOTOBUTTON BM_1_ http://www.scribendi.com/humble.htm into
your browser.

ME: Hi, listen, I know what my website address is. I'm trying to tell
you that it's experiencing *random* failures. Yesterday it was
unavailable from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. EST. What's going on?

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: Gosh, I'm sure glad you can bring up the website, because apparently
no one else on planet Earth can. You might be having SCSI bus problems.
Can you go check?

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: Okay, perhaps I'm using too many syllables. Let's try this: See
Spot. See Spot Run. Run, Spot, run!

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: That's what I thought. Hey, I have another question for you - will
installing a Serge protector on my computer's powerbar protect me from
that lecherous French guy next door?

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: ASCII a silly question, get a silly ANSI. Did I tell you I was
carrying a heavy computer today? I dropped it and it crashed. Now it has
a slipped disk. I bet it megahertz.

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: Would you answer my tech problem if I offered you a cache incentive?
Maybe if I told you that you had a hot baud?

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: What did the programmer say when he tried to make his own cable
sweater? Knit one, Perl two.

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: Did I mention I'd set my laser printer on stun and that I've been
known to go postal?

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

ME: Thanks ever so much for all your great help. In closing I have one
more thing to say: byte me.

TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.

So, dear readers, if you are experiencing technical problems, don't
bother contacting the vendor, manufacturer or webmaster. You will
probably get more support from an 18 hour bra.

- Chandra K. Clarke, 2000


Please include this information if you forward this joke:
 *******************************************************
     This joke and others like it, can be found in:
                     The Loony Bin
              http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
 *******************************************************
 To UNSUBSCRIBE or SUBSCRIBE email: loonies@bloodaxe.com
          Subject: 'unsubscribe' or 'subscribe'
  Get PAID for the emails you already send and receive!
http://www.mailround.com/  Referrer: andrea@bloodaxe.com