British Elections...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Mon, 11 Jun 2001 17:39:18 +0100


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya People...

This one's for those Brits who were confused as to what they were voting
for in the recent elections...or those overseas folks who were just
completely baffled by it...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


REVISED AND UPDATED: 
MANIFESTOS AT A GLANCE - What the political parties stand for.

Why waste time poring over page after page of glossy manifesto. At the
Brains Trust, we've boiled down the positions of the three main parties
into a simple belief statement: no spin, no rhetoric, no whitewash. Any
resemblance to any real party manifestos, living or dead, is purely
satirical.

FOX HUNTING
Conservative: Make it mandatory and add it to key stage 2 curriculum.
Labour: Ban it, Probably, eventually, maybe.
LibDem: Keep hunting but provide counselling for foxes.

RACE RELATIONS
Conservative: Blame Labour for Oldham.
Labour: Blame Tories playing the race card for Oldham.
LibDem: Hope no-one mentions Tower Hamlets.

GM CROPS
Conservative: Plant what you want where you want because you are a
farmer and will vote for us.
Labour: Take down that "Vote conservative" placard and you can plant
what you want where you want.
LibDem: Let us ramble across your land and you can plant what you want
where you want.

EURO REFERENDUM
Conservative: You are all too stupid to decide this so we won't hold a
referendum.
Labour: We'll hold a referendum and let you decide, but if you vote no
we'll hold it again.
LibDem: We're worried you won't vote yes so we'll wait until that
changes and hold a referendum.

FAMILY VALUES
Conservative: We love our mummy.
Labour: We will pay you to be a mummy.
LibDem: We want our mummy.

UNEMPLOYMENT
Conservative: More please (if it isn't hurting, it isn't working).
Labour: Less please if Gordon lets us.
LibDem: Unemployed to be trained as Fox counsellors.

TRANSPORT
Conservative: Everyone should own a car.
Labour: Everyone should own a Daimler.
LibDem: Everyone should own a 7-seater plane. I can do a loop-the-loop!
Wheee!

TAX
Conservative: Free 20 note inside each copy of our manifesto.
Labour: No tax increases which we can't easily hide.
LibDem: Put 1p on the basic rate of income tax and instantly solve the
problem of health / social security / housing / education / transport
/ whatever the question was...

HEALTH
Conservative: Join BUPA.
Labour: Join BUPA and make a donation to your local NHS Trust.
LibDem: New annual "Hug a Nurse" Day.

RACE RELATIONS
Conservative: Immigrants out!
Labour: Immigrants in! - but not on the front bench, obviously.
LibDem: Fast-track promotion for colour-blind police officers.

MEDIA
Conservative: BBC to be privatised.
Labour: BBC to be wined and dined.
LibDem: More appearances on Have I Got News For You.

EUROPE:
Conservative: OUT (unless we go in).
Labour: IN (unless we stay out).
LibDem: In Out In Out Shake it all about PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

STAR WARS
Conservative: Anything you say, Mr Bush.
Labour: Anything you say, Mr Bush (but we'll do it slowly and speak to
Mr Gore in four years).
LibDem: Mr Bush? I don't think he's spoken to us.

LITTER:
Conservative: We don't have a policy but we'll probably lock people up
for it.
Labour: We don't have a policy but we will probably fine people on the
spot for it.
LibDem: Please refer to chapters 3-10, 12 and 14 of our policy document.

TRANSPORT: (RAIL)
Conservative: Everyone to own their own train.
Labour: Try to think of a different word for "Re-nationalise".
LibDem: We only need to see shunter s457/23 and we've got the lot.

IT:
Conservative: Censor the Internet.
Labour: Free websites for schools.
LibDem: Mrs Wiggin's bring and buy has taken us 20 nearer to our "Buy a
PC" target.

LEGALISATION OF CANNABIS:
Conservative: Absolutely not.
Labour: Absolutely not.
LibDem: Is anyone else here hungry...?

CRIME:
Conservative: Lock 'em up, hang 'em high.
Labour: Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime, tougher still on
the causes of the causes of crime...
LibDem: Ask people to be nicer.

THIRD WORLD DEBT:
Conservative: Increase third world debt.
Labour: Decrease third world debt.
LibDem: Use Free Trade coffee at meetings.

EDUCATION:
Conservative: Send your son to Eton if you can.
Labour: Move near a selective state school if you can.
LibDem: Colour neatly inside the lines if you can.

ELECTORAL REFORM:
Conservative: Reverse the changes of the last four years.
Labour: Run a referendum one day.
LibDem: See chapters 1-2, 11, and 13 our policy document.


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