The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Thu, 6 Apr 2000 01:04:18 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya All...
Here's another list for you to look at:
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For "clean", go to http://bigmaccleanjokeattac@listbot.com,
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now tech support have another problem to deal with...this one's sent in
by Len...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
*** ***
*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery
applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs
new, undesirable programs such as TV Sports 1.3, Gran Turismo 2 and
Clutter Everywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run Washing-up 14.1 or House Cleaning
2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-
purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!
Sincerely, XXX
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by
its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0,
because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files
within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so
nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error
messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to
play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new
applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or
Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than
encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPF's]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must
assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of
root cause. To activate these great features enter the command "C:\ I
THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously
while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more Serious GPF's, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I
APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal operations.
Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or
worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes
Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that
are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this
tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPF's, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run
all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken
Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, Best Friend 7.6 and Map Reading 3.5.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
Mother-In-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Gran Turismo 1 and 2 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in
coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
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