News...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
24 Apr 1998 01:13:55 -0000


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Hiya Folks...

We haven't had a news update in a while, so here it comes...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
	xx

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***                                                 ***
***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
***           loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk          ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
***                                                 ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

In Modesto, CA Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately failed
to keep his hand in his pocket...

The Police Chief in Gold Hill, Oregon was fired this week after
praying for a suspect she believed was possessed by the devil,
and selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her patrol car...

Five hundred virgins marched on the White House this month,
promoting celibacy and urging passing motorists to "honk for
purity". Renate Verstraeten, a 17-year-old girl from the
Netherlands, explained. "All over the world, virginity is
something that is considered stupid. I'm a virgin."... remember
kids, when it comes to abstinence, just say "no"...

Diet tip of the week: Don't eat squirrel brains. The Lancet
Medical Journal reports a link between human consumption of
squirrel brains and a variant of Mad Cow disease... I guess they
just expect me to starve...

Another day, another Elvis sighting. Officials at Ripley's
Believe it or Not! Museum in Los Angeles reported that a pair of
the King's "special briefs", valued at $1300, disappeared on
August 17, the 20th anniversary of his death. A museum spokesman
characterized the thief as "choosy", because "a pair of
Madonna's panties were untouched"... now that IS a first...

A tourist at North Carolina beach died after the 8 foot hole he
had dug in the sand collapsed on top of him. Daniel Jones was
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom of the hole when the
walls caved in... remind me again how we got to be the dominant
species...

Florida motorists are watching their rear-view mirrors this week
after an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police
are legal. According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the
removal of 54 grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a
member of the Orange County highway drug squad was "part of a
legal patdown to make sure the man wasn't armed"... America,
land of the free, home of the rectal patdown...


Officials in Sweden are under public pressure to tell the truth
about a government program of involuntary sterilizations.
According to newspaper reports, as many as 60,000 "genetically
inferior" people were sterilized in Sweden between 1935 and
1976... so that's how they get all those blue-eyed blondes...

When Rae Bernard turned in his lottery ticket at a deli in
Arlington, Virginia, the store owner took the ticket and told
Bernard he had "won a free play". A few days later, Bernard
realized he'd won more than that-- $6.8 million more. The deli
owner is facing 20 years in prison... 

At $2 billion, the B-2 Stealth bomber is the most advanced
aircraft in the world. Just don't get it wet. According to
recent Air Force tests, the B-2 loses much of its ability to
evade radar detection when exposed to such "severe climatic
conditions" as water and humidity... hey, whaddya want for 2
billion?...

Our Mail-order Product of the Week Award goes to the Right to
Die Society of Canada, which is offering a do it yourself home
suicide kit. For $40, they will deliver your "Exit Bag" kit,
which includes a "sturdy clear plastic sack the size of a
garbage bag, a soft elastic neckband and Velcro fasteners to
ensure a snug fit", and detailed instructions for use... hey, if
you really need detailed instructions, I'll loan you the 40
bucks...

J.Z. Knight, a "psychic channel" for a 30,000 year old spirit
named Ramtha, has successfully sued a Berlin woman in the
Austrian Supreme Court for channeling the same spirit, and
leaving Knight in "spiritual limbo"... 

Postmaster General Marvin Runyon said Monday the U.S. Postal
Service "may earn another billion dollars in net income this
year," making 1997 the third straight year for such profits...
the only problem is that the check is in the mail...

The U.S. Civil Service Commission has issued the following
directive in case of war: "In the event of an attack on the U.S.
and until further notice: Section 831.107 of subpart A, and
subsections 831.502 (B) one and two and (C) one and two of
subpart E are suspended, and part M-831 is added to the
regulations... too late, you're dead...

Police in Alexandria, Egypt have arrested a head nurse who said
she just "wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet during her
working hours." Aida Nur Eddin is charged with killing at least
18 hospital patients with sleeping pills...

A man in Hoover, Alabama is suing a McDonald's restaurant after
claiming that he found a condom in his Big Mac. Jeff Bolling
says he became violently ill when he realized that the extra-
chewy part wasn't a pickle...

It took a court order from a federal judge, but Bad Frog Beer
has finally been outlawed in New York State. The state Liquor
Authority apparently objects to the label, which depicts a frog
making an obscene hand gesture, along with the slogan "Flip the
Bird, Get a Frog." According to Attorney General Dennis Vacco,
"Children and their parents in grocery stores should not be
subjected to an obscene frog giving them the finger"...

Authorities in Canada are warning of "dangerous fake cigars"
being sold across the border to U.S. citizens. The counterfeit
Cuban cigars mean big bucks for smugglers, but according to the
Royal Canadian Mounted Police, some of the fake stogies are
"padded" with poisonous banana leaves, floor sweepings from
Cuban cigar factories, and human hair...

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