Divine Press Release...

The Loony Bin ( andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
6 Mar 1998 00:11:01 -0000


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Hiya People...

Here's the latest news from heaven...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
	xx

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***                                                 ***
***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
***           loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk          ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

Divine Press Release

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was
begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that
she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in
the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long
time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship
with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."  In
a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the
facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as
the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to
do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of
locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the
cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was
quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting
of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in
Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.  Critics of the bill have
pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation
of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the
"Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.

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