The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 27 Aug 1997 01:55:46 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Here are some classic Little Johnny jokes for you...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class
the following question, " What is bright red and shiny?"
Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, " A fire engine !!!!???"
"No! No!" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think. Anyone else?"
Little Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher was happy. But
Johnny wasn't (well he has to be otherwise there wouldn't be a punch
line to this joke).
Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to
which she nodded OK.
"What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end?"
"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..."
Johnny replied, "No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you think!
----------------------
A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny
answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
----------------------
A guy's walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a
cigarette.
He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class and started waving his arm saying,
"teacher!, teacher! I have to go pee!"
The teacher called Johnny to her desk and said, "Now Johnny, in this
class we use proper wording, the correct word is urinate. You may go to
the bathroom, but when you come back I want you to give me a sentence
using the word urinate."
So Johnny goes down the hall to the bathroom and when he comes back the
teacher says, "OK.k. Johnny, I want to hear your sentence now"
Little Johnny says," O.K., here goes - Urinate, but you'd be a ten if
your tits were bigger"!!!!
-------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one
with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you
are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second
biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is
married?"
"Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No, the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way
you're thinking."
--------------
The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to
the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is
"beautiful".
Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a
sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and
said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie,
your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and
said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise
I have ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny,
it's your turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and
said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was
pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"
--------------
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bad and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored
him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's
another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The
teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got
one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got
it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
----------
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises his/her hand.
The teacher says "See its long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up
his/her hands.
"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of
a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your
mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
-------------
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the
class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and
anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the
following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on
the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in
the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow
answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny
takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he
brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's
question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong
balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who
find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"
----------------
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around
cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled
her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother
arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time
came around.
As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him "Here Little
Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did
you hear what he said?"
"So don't fucking give him one," said Little Johnny's mother.
-----------
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as
a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess
what was inside.
"Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?"
Johnny shook his head No.
Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the
box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth,
then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."
-----------
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the
word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell
the word "ear".
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said "E,A,R".
Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a
joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he
pretended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said "Ear"