The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 27 Aug 1997 01:54:16 +0100
Hiya Folks...
How do you write a personal ad that will stand out from the
crowd...???...here are some examples sent to us by Alan...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Excerpted from the book _A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative
Newspapers_ by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and
Schuster:
Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing
in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness
looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to
abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert
albums.
Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading
with you to give me a cigarette; you--choking on my
odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at
the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue.
Can I have a dollar?
Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie
goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring
marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I
like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone
else.
I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear.
Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose.
Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your
underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes.
Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian
infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with
urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my
bathtub. You bring the salsa.
Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you
guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and
extra prickly cactus juice.
Soup is good food.
I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches
in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on
birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway;
you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro,
and sweat freely and often.
Must wear size five shoes.
Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You
grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands.
Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and
lots of toothpicks.
Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no
identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs.
Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching
noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not
touch the squids, EVER.
There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of
my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out
the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those
neat dressy ones with the weird black and red
geometrical designs on them.
Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone
in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old
red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big
plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for
hijinks and hiballs. SJM 27 wants to look someone in
the eye so don't be tall. Or, if you can't help it,
enjoy laying down. Wanna swim upstream?
Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind
ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering
lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily
tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either
sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting.
No freaks.