Evil Purple Monster...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Tue, 26 Aug 1997 23:41:39 +0100


Hiya Folks...

Wonderful Lennie has sent us a list of ways to kill that revolting
purple blob that has invaded kids TV...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

For those of you unfortunate enough to come across Barney the dinosaur 
when expected to find serious TV such as X-MEN, BATMAN, ROCKO ETC,here
are some suggestions which may amuse you.

New Things to do to the b'harnee:

Give him a nitroglycerine enema, and smack his backside with a
baseball bat.

Shove a few sticks of some explosive up his butt, and lite. Mmmmmmmmm.
BBQ'd B'harnee.

On TV, remove its head, so all the children of the world can see what
it really looks like.

Remember the ending of the second level of "Duke Nukem 3D"
(Duke Says I'm gonna rip of your head and s**t down your throat, kills
him and does it).

Throw him in a pit of angry dogs, or some other very hungry, carniverous
animal.

Involve It in a freak 'accident', involving a swimming pool and 15,000
volts of direct current.
 
Run It through a mangle.
 
Lock It in a deep, dark, vermin infested cellar and try your best to
ignore Its screams and frantic knocking.
 
Nail some pressure-sensitive thermo-nuclear explosives to It, meaning
that the next person It hugs will set off the explosives.
 
Practice various methods of medieval torture on It (i.e. iron maiden,
red hot poker up the ass, etc.)
 
Send It on an impromptu mission to Mars.
 
Starve It of Its daily diet of children's minds, causing severe hunger
and muscle wastage.

Put him under a guillotine, put the rope holding the blade in his 
mouth.  Proceed to beat him over the ass with a jagged piece of metal 
until he screams.

Strap him onto the back of a Pinto.  Proceed to rear-end it into 
an iron maiden.

-------------------------------------

We've heard the "original" (hah!) B'harni song. However, what was not 
realized was that this is a variant of English known as Marketing-Speak.
I have translated the words for those who do not understand this 
confusing and ultimately degrading form of the language. This subliminal 
message is part of the psychological destruction that we all despise.

        When B'harni says               He really means
        -----------------               ---------------
        I love you                      I want you
        You love me                     To buy me
        We're a happy family            Go beg mommy and daddy
        With a great big hug            To get some cash
          and a kiss from me to you,      and drive to the toy store,
        Won't you say                   Buy one B'harni,
          you love me, too?               buy some more!

B'harni the marketroid: Flush him along with Care Bears, My Little Pony, 
and the rest of those Total Concept Marketing schemes. Vapid trash will 
build vapid children.

--------------------------------------------------

Star Trek: The Next Generation Meets Barney
This is a very stupid story!
*****************************************************************

   Captain Picard stared mindlessly into the bridge's viewscreen. He
looked down at his command console and pressed a few blue buttons. He
scanned through a few rows of text and pressed another button.

   "Everything checks out all right here" Picard said, "Mr. LaForge, run
a level 2 diagnostic on the entire ship. I want to know what that
mysterious noise we heard an hour ago was!"

   "Aye Captain, running diagnostic....," Geordi LaForge replied as he
pressed glowing buttons on the console. 

Just then, Counsler Troi entered the bridge. She looked very disraught,
as if she had seen a ghost.

   "Captain..." Troi muttered, "I feel something. I sense something...
awful, EVIL! Captain, we must get out of here, fast! It's coming,
noooooooooo!!!" 

Just at that moment, an incredibly loud sound blasted through the ship.
The entire bridge crew hit the deck, covering their ears.

   "Sooler gee dooler! Sai cuv yu!" came the sound. 

The Enterprise shook with vibrations. 

"SOOLER GEE DOOLER! SAI CUV YU!" came the sound again, even louder! And
then it stopped. 

The crew of the bridge got up, very dizzy. When they regained
undizzyness, they looked around the room. One of the science stations'
screens had cracked. Other than that, they were okay.

   "What the hell was that?!" Captain Picard asked angrily. 

Data turned around and replied "That was a sound at 900 db's. It created
a minor shockwave."

   "Can we play that sound again, but with LESS volume and enhanced
clairity?"
   
   "Super dee duper! I love you" came the recording. 

All the crewmembers gasped.    

"Not him......." said Riker. "Not...."! 

At that momment, Barney appeared in front    of the ship.

   "GOD DAMNIT!!" shouted Picard, "Fire Photon Torpedos!". 

Instantly, 4 torpedos shot toward Barney. 

"I love you" came Barney's voice. 

Then came an explosion! BOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!! Barney's head was missing. 

"Fire more!".

6 Torpedos shot toward Barney's body.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!! The body exploded, sending
hundreds of little shockwaves shooting through the air. The Enterprise
had won.