The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 30 Jul 1997 19:06:41 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Here's a guide to reading the personal ads...sent in by Alan...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
For those of you still looking:
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD..... MEANS
40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun Annoying
Gentle Comatose
Good Listener Borderline Autistic
Humorous Caustic
Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count
In transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker Lush
Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves travel If you're paying
Loves animals Cat lady
Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm
animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded Desperate
Outgoing Loud
Passionate Loud
Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet Depressive schizophrenic
Professional Bitch
Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable Frumpy
Reubenesque Grossly Fat
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Self-employed Jobless
Smart Insipid
Special Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Stable Boring
Tall, thin Anorexic
Tan Wrinkled
Voluptuous Very Fat
Weight proportional to Hugely Fat
height
Wants soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Writer Pompous
Young at heart Toothless crone
Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here's a start:
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
"MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD... MEANS...
40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and bald
Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed On management track at Radio Shack
Financially secure I will spend some money on you, in return
for which I will expect you to obey my
every whim for the duration of your
mortal life.
Free spirit Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking Arrogant bastard
Honest Pathological Liar
Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador
retriever
Light drinker Headed for AA
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on I read Cosmo and think this is what you want
the beach to hear
Mature Until you get to know him
Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
admiring myself
Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while
constipated
Professional Owns a white button down
Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive Needy
Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on
TV"
Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother on
Easter
Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing
out
Young at heart Paedophile