The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 25 Jun 1997 22:09:32 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Here are some of the reasons you might not make it into work today...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Hello boss? I can't come to work today...
-----------------------------------------
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the Environmental Protection
Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.