The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 5 Mar 1997 18:16:07 +0000
Hiya Loonies...
Here the Oracle tells a supplicant how to make money fast...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>***<bloodaxe@bigfoot.com>***
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
*** ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh mighty and illustrious Oracle, who knows all kinds of stuff,
>
> I need a new computer, preferably a fast one with lots of goodies.
> Where can I get $3000 really quick?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} OK, here's the deal. You start selling stock market tips. "But I know
} nothing of commodities!" I hear you exclaim. Have no fear -- with the
} BRAND NEW (IMPROVED!!) Oracle's Miracle Market Tip Factory (tm) (r)
} (tm), you too can earn $3000 in the space of 10 weeks, for the price
} of less than 2048000 postage stamps and 2000 Q-Tips!
}
} This scam really works!! Of course, I myself have never tried it, but
} my friend's uncle almost did, and...
}
} Well, never mind. Let's get down to business. Anyone in their right
} mind would gladly pay $3 for GUARANTEED ROCK-SOLID stock-market tips
} -- all you have to do is sell tips to 1000
} sucke^H^H^H^H^Hclients. Remember, this is supposed to look legitimate!
}
} Pick 1024000 prospective suckers, and send each of them a letter
} saying how you're going to mail them tips for ten weeks, after which
} they'll need to pay $3 to receive further tips. EXPLAIN to them how
} THIS IS NOT A SCAM. Make sure to USE CAPITAL LETTERS in your LETTER,
} and add a mimeographed signature (not your own, of course) in a
} different colour at the bottom of the page. Enclose the first tip:
} Half of them (512000) get told IBM will go down this week, the other
} half that it will go up.
}
} The following week, let's say IBM stocks went up. Dump the losers you
} told it would go down, and split the 512000 wise investors into two --
} tell each half something different. Make sure to use the term "Price /
} Market / Performance / Index" in your letter.
}
} Continue like this for 10 weeks. At the end, you'll have 1000 suckers
} convinced you're omniscient (and you were probably wondering how _I_
} do it. Well, let me tell you something -- That's not how I do it!
} Well, not exactly). Ask each for $3 in order to continue sending them
} tips.
}
} If you didn't send them anything, it would be mail fraud. So mail each
} one 2 Q-Tips.
}
} You owe the Oracle bail, set at $2999.95.