The X(mas)-Files...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Tue, 24 Dec 1996 06:09:22 +0000


Hiya Folks...

Here's a Christmas X-Files for you...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

57 ELM STREET
BETHLEHEM, PA
11.51PM, DECEMBER 24
 
Mulder: We're here too late! It's been here
 
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing
 
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated  
        mounting, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs 
        of holly; stockings hung by the chimney with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone - or someTHING.

Scully: Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's OK. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty 
        and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully, it's making a list.

Scully: What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
        travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. 
        Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said
        to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish 
        disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's a legend Mulder - a story told by parents to 
        frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on
        this gingerbread man.... It gorged itself, Scully. It fed
        without remorse...

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and 
        windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature   
        landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy.
        The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions 
        at once?

Scully: You mean like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly, Scully. I've never told anyone this, but what I was a 
        child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long 
        white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, mis-shapen head. 
        It's bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the 
        horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow
        taken on the shape of my father. 

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought
        me a Mr Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr Potato 
        Head!

Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws
        of physics....

>From a ruthless X-Files parody in the New Yorker attributed to "Frank 
Cammuso and Hart Seely".