The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 24 Dec 1996 06:09:22 +0000
Hiya Folks...
Here's a Christmas X-Files for you...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
57 ELM STREET
BETHLEHEM, PA
11.51PM, DECEMBER 24
Mulder: We're here too late! It's been here
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated
mounting, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs
of holly; stockings hung by the chimney with care.
Scully: You really think someone's been here?
Mulder: Someone - or someTHING.
Scully: Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.
Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It's OK. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty
and nice."
Mulder: It's judging them, Scully, it's making a list.
Scully: What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants.
Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said
to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish
disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that's a legend Mulder - a story told by parents to
frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on
this gingerbread man.... It gorged itself, Scully. It fed
without remorse...
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and
windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature
landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy.
The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions
at once?
Scully: You mean like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly, Scully. I've never told anyone this, but what I was a
child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long
white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, mis-shapen head.
It's bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the
horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow
taken on the shape of my father.
Scully: Impossible.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought
me a Mr Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr Potato
Head!
Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws
of physics....
>From a ruthless X-Files parody in the New Yorker attributed to "Frank
Cammuso and Hart Seely".