Star Trek...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Wed, 4 Dec 1996 02:58:12 +0000


Hiya Folks...

This one's from Dragon - MS meets the Federation once more...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*****<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
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**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


WILL WINDOWS 95 LIVE LONG AND PHOSPHOR?

"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive.  Scotty, fit the hard drive with
the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine.  Chekov, prepare the install disks,
we're about to begin a sequel."

"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."

"Right.  Then let's see how she performs at task speed.  Scotty?"

"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system?  If ye put
Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a
matter-antimatter explosion!"

"Scotty, that's an order."

"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready.  She needs a proper beta
shakedown."

"That's what we're doing, Scotty.  Chekov, how are those install disks
coming?"

"We're on disk 5, sir."

"Good.  Spock?"

"Fascinating, Captain.  It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our
hardware and mutating to adapt."

"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft
sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"How about a Sound Blaster?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"What good are you, anyway?"

"Box-office attraction, Captain."

"Bones?"

"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."

"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio
Spectrum.  Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the
system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

"Chekov?"

"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."

"Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors and the
engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."

"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."

"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."

"Sulu, go to task 1.  Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.

"Aye, Captain."

"Wait a minute.  Cancel that order.  Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT
in the desktop zone.  We'll be navigating back there frequently."

"Yes, Sir."

"Spock?"

"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir.  The ProAudio Spectrum
16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."

"Disable the card, Spock."

"I'm sorry, sir.  It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card
first.  And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI
first."

"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."

"[Looks at watch.]  Good, that gives us a little more time to debug
these systems."

"No, sir.  The ship is already upon us."

"Uhura?"

"Scanning all frequencies, sir.  I'm trying to get an image, sir, but
the system is awfully slow."

"Scotty, what's happening down there?"

"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only
process one console request at a time."

"See what you can do, Scotty.  Spock?"

"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain.  Equipped with a Warp drive."

[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed.  OOhs and Ahhs as
crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]

"Put it on visual, Chekov."

"Aye, Captain."

[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]

"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast.  We need audio!"

"I'm sorry, Captain.  The registry is not responding."

"Bones?"

"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"

"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."

"Captain - it's gone.  Some other task in the system must have moved or
changed it."

"Long-range scan, Chekov."

"I found it, Captain.  Wait a minute.  This README.TXT file is for the
game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King
Richard."

"Patrick Stewart?"

"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"

"No."

"Must be a generation gap."

"Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors and the
engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."

"[Sigh.]  Maintain power, Mr. Scott.  Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."

"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop
background!"

"Bones?"

"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"

"Never mind.  Find the screen saver.  Spock, prepare to fire HP
LaserJet."

"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but
now I'm getting no response at the helm."

[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping
sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left
and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires
glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be
fixed in just minutes.]

"Sulu, take evasive action;  otherwise, it's certain doom!"

"Aye, Aye, Captain.  It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm
getting awfully sick of this demo.  Doom is one of the most stable games
on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."

"We've got... to get... to the kernel.  Uhura... notify... the... kernel
at Star Fleet."

"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're
dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."

"Spock?"

"Fascinating, Captain.  It would seem that the needs of the few have
out-weighed the needs of the many."

"Scotty, get us out of here!"

"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding!  We'll have to do a
hard boot to rrrrecover."

"Bones?"