Sex calorie chart...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Tue, 15 Oct 1996 22:52:36 +0100


Hiya Folks...

Here's somthing for those trying to get a bit of exercise...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


      "The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Activity                                   Calories Burned
-----------------------------------------------------------
REMOVING CLOTHES
----------------
 With partner's consent...................................12
 Without partner's consent...............................187
Unhooking bra
 Using two calm hands.....................................7
 Using one trembling hand................................96

GETTING INTO BED
----------------
 Lifting partner..........................................15
 Dragging partner along the floor.........................16
 Using skateboard..........................................3

ACHIEVING ERECTION
------------------
 For normal, healthy man...............................2 1/4
 For normal healthy women................................549
 Losing erection.........................................1/4
 Searching for it........................................115

PUTTING ON PROPHYLACTIC
-----------------------
 With erection..........................................1 1/4
 Without erection.........................................300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
-------------------
If the woman who does it is
 Experienced...............................................6
 Inexperienced............................................73
 If a man does it regardless of experience...............680
 Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room

INSERTION
---------
 If woman is ready........................................1/4
 If man is not............................................274

METHOD OF THE ACT
-----------------
Tender and loving
 Man on top................................................275
 Woman on top..............................................400
 Man on bottom, eyes on woman..............................535

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
----------------------------------
 Italian: man on top, woman in kitchen.....................26
 Russian: woman on bottom, man getting permission..........55
 American: both on top.....................................60

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
------------------------------------
 Bouncing...................................................7
 Sliding around.............................................9
 Serious skidding..........................................12
 Whiplash..................................................27

ORGASM
------
 Real......................................................27
 Faked....................................................160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
------------------------
 Shoes flew off............................................35
 Expression didn't change.................................1/2
 Orchestra swelled..........................................6
 Birds sang
  Large birds...............................................7
  Small birds...............................................3
 Earth moved...............................................30

PULLING OUT
-----------
 After orgasm.............................................1/4
 A few moments before orgasm..............................500

PENIS ENVY
----------
 For woman.................................................3
 For man..................................................72

GUILT
-----
Despite almost no formal training, orgasm comes easily,
 naturally and spontaneously.............................53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people
 are starving.............................................2
Sex on your lunch hour....................................3
 And you put it on your expense report....................20

AGGRAVATION
-----------
 Partner keeps showing you his/her plants..................5
 Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay..........14
 Partner just visited bathroom for the seventh time.......10
 Partner is taking phone calls.............................7
 Partner is making phone calls............................40

GETTING CAUGHT
--------------
 By partner's spouse......................................60
 By your spouse.......................................60 1/2
 Trying to explain.......................................165
 Trying to remain calm...................................100
 Leaping out of bed.......................................25
 Getting dressed in one large motion.....................300
 Thanking partner quickly..................................2