The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 18 Sep 1996 15:58:51 +0100
Hiya People...
Here's one from Dragon...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
THE SOFTWARE OLYMPICS
The Rapid Prototyping 100 metre sprint: All the competitors run like
crazy for the line, but just before they reach it they suddenly sprint
backwards to a point a few meters from the start line, then begin again,
much more slowly.
The SSADM marathon: all the competitors have to run while carrying a
huge and heavy stack of paperwork. Many cannot see over it, and take the
wrong road.
The others struggle to the finish line, only to discover that the race
has been cancelled.
The COBOL mile: younger athletes are rather scornful of this event,
which has been run for so long it predates metrification. It is still
included because of the large number of older athletes trained to run in
it. Actually, most of the races run in the world are of this type, but
the sports media have long since lost interest in it.
The machine-code 60 metre dash: Rumoured to be the most spectacularly
fast race of them all, but rarely run in public these days because of
the time it takes for the competitors to sew their own running shorts,
make their own running shoes, carve the starting blocks, level the
running track, paint the lines on the running track, etc, etc.....
Synchronised transputing: A curious event involving huge teams of
competitors passing a small number of batons between each other. The
aim is for each competitor to gain the maximum possible access to a
baton and then run round and round in very tight circles. However,
since there are always far fewer batons than runners nobody has ever
worked out the point of the event.
The Object-Orientated foot race: Much attention has been focused on this
one, since its aficionados claim that it will be the saviour of the
modern games, making them cheaper to run and to tailorable to the tastes
of different audiences. When asked how long the race is, the organisers
are apt to reply wearily: "you don't get the point; when any instance of
the race is run, we'll just inherit from a 'distance' class.". Races are
usually preceded by arguments about the shape and colour of the track,
but there seems to be a consensus that the track itself should be quite
short, so that it gets re-used a lot during each race. This admirable
philosophy resulted in farce during the last games however, when the 200
meters competitors ran full tilt into a jump barrier put there for a
following steeplechase event.
The Object Oriented Analysis 1500 Meters: The runners start off in the
conventional style but by the time they reach the first bend start
violently disagreeing with each other about whether each individual
runner should be left to find a path round the bend on his or her own.
Some runners form a splinter group that starts the construction in 7
dimensional hyper-space of a track that *appears* to be straight but
actually bends round in order to meet the limitations of 4 dimensional
space-time. Unfortunately the construction of such an infrastructure
takes far longer than the time allowed for the entire event.
Coxless FORTRAN: One for the technically inclined. This begins as a
rowing race, but after a certain distance the crew are allowed to erect
a mast and sails, and after a certain distance more, they can fit an
outboard engine. The International Authority which moderates this event
assure us that it will be adapted to keep up with the times, with jet
turbines, rocket power, and Warp drive all in the offing.
The 'C' long jump: This is like a normal long jump, except that the
competitors, are allowed to go in any direction, including into other
competition areas, but have to jump back to exactly where they came
from. This requires a surprising amount of skill, and perhaps this
explains why this is the only field event in which entrants have been
known to get lost, and to arrive back at the jump pit long after it has
been closed for the day, and all the judges have gone home.
The Mainframe team weight-lifting: This event has had a remarkable
history, since it began over 30 years ago with very large weights being
lifted by huge teams of weight lifters. Public taste since then has
tended towards smaller weights being lifted by fewer people, and the IBM
team - which used to dominate it - has suffered a decline partly brought
on by its own suggestion that the audience might like to take part as
individuals, lifting not very heavy weights with hardly any preparation
at all.
The Project Management '100 Meters: This race begins as a conventional
sprint, but just as the competitors reach the finish, they are informed
that it will in fact take 200 Meters to complete the race. As they near
the 200 metre mark, they are told that, sorry, but 400 Meters must be
run, and after that 800 Meters then 1500, then ...... ..... and as
those who have not died or retired near the end of the marathon
distance, they are told they have been disqualified for taking too long.
Catching the JAVA-lin: The competitors in this event request that
javelins be cast at them by any of several javelin-throwers, who each
have custody of a stack of javelins of various sorts. The aim is to
catch enough to build something useful - such as a wigwam, or er.. a
wigwam - on which the competition will be judged. This is the only event
to have ever been won posthumously.
The Management Consultancy Race: The competitors all stand about telling
the spectators how they would run a race, were they to be entered in
one. This lasts until the race sponsor runs out of money. The winner is
the one who has stayed in the best hotel for the longest period of time.
The DEC-athalon: Considered by many professional competitors to be the
finest event ever devised, this has now fallen into disuse and seems
certain to disappear into oblivion. It has now been far surpassed in
popularity by the Modern Pentium.