The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 12 Aug 1996 13:04:51 +0100
Hiya All...
More Papal Bull for you...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Here is the fifth installment of selections stolen without permision from
_Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics 'by Dean Sullivan
published by Simon and Schuster:
recessional---The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
relics--People who have been going to Mass for so long they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.
religion---A cult with a good PR department.
Resurrection of Christ--It's hard to keep a good man down.
Revelation-- The final book of the Bible which doesn't exactly end "and they
lived happily ever after."
rhythm method--Why Catholic kids don't have rooms of their own.
Rome-- Where II and II is IV.
rosary--A prayer ritual that seems to last five decades.
Sabbath-- A day of worship and rest, meaning Mass and football (in no
particular order).
sacrament-- An after-sinner mint.
Sacrament of Baptism--The first time the Church soaks you.
Sacrament of Reconciliation--Solemnly asking forgiveness for actions you wish
you had videotaped to show your friends.
Sacrilege-- Irreverent use of something sacred--but it's too late now, you're
already up to the S's.
Sacristry--1.The clerical locker room. 2. A place where divestment is not a
moral issue.
saint--A person always pictured as light-headed.
Saint Anthony--The saint a man prays to when his wife can't find what he's
looking for.
Saint Basil--A man for all seasonings.
Saint Christopher--The saint to call if AAA doesn't answer.
Saint Joseph--1.The husband of the Virgin Mary and the patron saint of cold
showers. 2. The most boring role in the Christmas pageant.
Saint Jude--The patron saint of the federal budget.
Saint Peter--The Apostle that Jesus once called "The Rock"--now employed as a
bouncer at the pearly gates.
Satan--An angel who got fired.
Second Coming---When you had better not be standing anywhere near the fan.
sermon- 1. The part of the Mass that begins with a recap of the Gospel and
then drones into other gray matters of Christianity while your gray matter
wanders off into subjects such as whether there are still the same number of
ceiling tiles as last week. 2. Another word for homily, which doesn't make it
any shorter.
sexual intercourse--A caring, special act between two people who are in love,
married (to each other), in bed, under the covers, with the lights off, and
the door locked - for the pupose of making more Catholics.
shroud--Pajamas for the big sleep.
Shroud of Turin--An old burial garment Christ wouldn't be caught dead in.
Sign of the Cross--1. How young Catholics remember which hand is their right
one. 2. A gesture showing reverence for the Cross - used during Mass and
before free-throws.
sinner--someone who cannot cast the first stone, but would be more than happy
to cast the next five or six.
sin of commission--An action that is immoral, such as picking all the cashews
out of the holiday nut mix.
sin of omission--Never putting any cashews into the nut mix in the first
place.
sloth--The cardinal sin of laziness - which can only be forgiven by a guy who
works one day a week.
Sodom and Gomorrah -- Where Old Testement college students went on spring
break.
Solomon--A man known for his wisdom, despite the fact that he had three
hundered wives.
state of grace-- After you receive absolution, but before you see a cute girl
genuflecting.
synagogue--Where Jesus is just another pretty face.
Tabernacle-- Where Christ had an out-of-body experience.
Temptation--A condition conducive to sinning--for most people, just being
concious.
Temptation of Christ--To once, just once, declare "To hell with what the
Scriptures say Peter, *I* say we're going to the beach today."
Ten Commandments--The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
Theologian--1. A sage who writes at length about how little we know of God.
2. Someone who would know where Noah kept the termites.
Theology--The college course that helps you unlearn all the things you
learned in religeon class.
Tower of Babel--The reason the Lord created different languages. He scattered
the builders accross the continent, only to have them reunite in New York as
cabbies.
Transfiguration of Christ--When Scotty used the wrong coordinates and almost
beamed up Jesus.
turn the other cheek--The rule of thumb when the other guy is bigger.