The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Thu, 8 Aug 1996 09:01:43 +0100
Hiya Folks...
FYI...here's a special consumer report on girlfriends...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
A Consumer Reports special: Girlfriends
---------------------------------------
Well it's been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So
we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a
girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate
the final product which you should consider.
Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking
partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your
needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much
you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and
personal characteristics - if you are good looking, have a commanding
personality and a good sense of humour, you will have the resources to
obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly,
smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited.
Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.
Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed,
CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the
required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a
new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
-------- -----------
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own chequeing account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with
the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models
which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater
than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a
professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will
be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such
items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories
will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-
equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting
sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired,
tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children)
can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory
installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride
ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the
simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip
("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable
"Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are:
how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does
the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery
time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live
in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have
access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a
girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a
bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns
surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating
each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit,
humour, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within
each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
with all the options you want and none of the ones you
don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No
mental or physical hangups. The drawback is that this
model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a
spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid.
This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color.
Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally
be found with luck.
Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for
impressing your friends, but not for your long-term
girlfriend needs.
Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor
to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but
useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are
available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a
dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!