The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Thu, 1 Aug 1996 09:02:18 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Here's a guide to obtaining a partner as advised in The Bible...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
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*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE (original author unknown)
* Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
* Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
* Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
* Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
* Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
* Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
* Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in
marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work
another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first
place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob
(Genesis 29:15-30)
* Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get
his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
* Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain
(Genesis 4:16-17)
* Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
* When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I
have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question
your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
* Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons,
though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
* Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a
good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or
Leviticus, example in Ruth)
* Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon
(1 Kings 11:1-3)
* A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
TOP 7 WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND (from J. Duin)
* Have your husband act like a jerk toward a famous warlord while you
secretly show up at the warlord's camp with muleloads of tasty
provisions, at which point the warlord falls in love with you, after
which point you inform your husband of the whole matter, at which
point he has a stroke, dies and you marry the warlord.
* Show up at a threshing floor (if you can find one anywhere outside
of Kansas) in the dead of night and uncover the feet of the
best-looking guy there.
* Go to any old watering hole and start filling the watering jars of
the guy with the most camels.
* Have your good-looking sister lure someone to marry here but
substitute yourself for her on their wedding night. (Does this sound
like a soap opera digest? - Ed.)
* Hang around barren women and offer to be a concubine for their
husbands' need. for heirs.
* Take a bath naked on your roof preferably in view of some nearby
apartment buildings.
* Make like a prostitute around guys who hear from God that they need
to marry you to show the country the nature of their idolatrous ways.
(Have fun figuring out the Biblical references on these. - Ed.)