The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 28 Jul 1996 19:11:46 +0100
Hiya People... Here's the second part of a four part thingy...unfortunately part one is currently missing...I'll send it when I find it... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ******************Internet Goddess******************* *********************ANDROMEDA*********************** ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Here is the second installment of selections stolen without permision from _Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics' by Dean Sullivan published by Simon and Schuster: Easter--- 1. The day you see Catholics you havn't seen since Chistmas 2. The day when Christ's body was missing and all the children are worried about is finding the missing chocolate eggs. ecumenism - The practice of unity among Christian whereby Catholics cut Protestants some slack for being close. Egypt - the country which created the first form of writing: hieroglyphics - the basis for all medical prescriptions. envy - The sin Catholics commit when they think of non-Catholics who get to remain seated during their church services. eternity - The time between Communion and the end of Mass. evangelists, TV Preachers with miraculous power - the ability to squeeze dollars out of the penniless. Eve - The only wife who never had to worry about the "other woman" everlasting life - What a Catholic will need to understand all the changes since Vatican II. eye of the needle - The analogy that provides a strong incentive for rich men to breed tiny camels. faith - Giving God the benefit of the doubt on the question "Can God make a rock so big that even He, Himself, cannot lift it"? fast - God's diet plan Feast of the assumption - The holy day observed forty days after Easter, by which all the black jelly beans will be gone. fishers of men - A description of the Apostles who trawled for souls. folk mass - The type of litergy celebrated at the church of Saints Peter, Paul and Mary. font - The baptismal basin where the priest wets the baby's head and the baby wets the priest's vestments. free will - A gift from God that you will pay for later if you use it incorrectly. Friday, Good - The day of the crucifiction of Jesus---which makes you wonder what a Messiah's got to do to make it a Bad Friday. Garden of Eden - Where Adam and Eve dug us a hole. Gnosticism - Gneo-Christian cult based on gnebulous gnosis whose days were gnumbered due to gnaysayers. God - The Supreme Being who knows everything, including why the Howells brought so many clothes for a three hour tour. Godparent - A person who has to baby-sit on request. Golden Rule - The most painful thing a nun can hit you with. Good Samaritan - A guy who today would probably get arrested and left in jail until "60 minutes" did a story on him. Gospel - A term that means "Good news"...even though the homily always follows. Great Schism - A time when there were more Popes than heavyweight boxing champions. guilt - Agonizing paranoia somewhere along the lines of "God will get me for what I did" It racks the brain, twists the emotions, and turns the stomach until the person's a physical wreck--and God's job is already done. habits---Nunderwear Hail Mary--- 1. A prayer you say when the answer to "Our Father" is "NO" 2. The answer to the question, "What could be worse than raining cats and dogs?" Handshake of peace--- Shaking hands with the kid next to you in Mass--- who just wiped his nose without a hankerchief. Heaven's Gate - A passage that everyone wants to get through and a movie that everyone avoided. Hell - 1. A place that even Johnny Cochran can't save you from. 2. Satan's home on the range. holy cards - Pictures of religious figures - like baseball cards without bubble gum. Holy Day of Obligation 1. As in Monday night Football, a Mass that counts in the standings. 2. A feast day on which Roman Catholics are duty bound to suffer through their second Mass, sermon and collection of the week. Holy Grail - The chalice that Jesus and the Apostles shared at the Last Supper. Its location is unknown and, considering oral hygiene, that's probably for the best. holy oil - Chrism rubbed on the foreheads of teenaged Confirmation candidates - as if they needed more grease up there. Holy Saturday - The day your knees are sore from Good Friday. holy water - A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY homily - The part of Mass when the pastor prepares the flock for the fleecing. hope - A desire that's dashed when Father Talkalot proceeds down the aisle on a hot Sunday. hymn - A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range. hymn, recessional - The last song on Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most people have left before that time. Immaculate Conception - 1. A clean thought. 2. The feast that reminds Catholics of the purity of Mary and the fact that they have only seventeen more shopping days until Christmas. Innocent III - The man who was Pope until Proven Guilty IV. intercession - A prayer on behalf of another - although it shouldn't be for the other person to die of hemorrhoids. Issac - The bibical figure who became anxious when his father, Abraham, wanted to spend some 'quality time' with him.