Papal Bull 2...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Sun, 28 Jul 1996 19:11:46 +0100


Hiya People...

Here's the second part of a four part thingy...unfortunately part one is
currently missing...I'll send it when I find it...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


Here is the second installment of selections stolen without permision
from _Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics' by Dean
Sullivan published by Simon and Schuster:

Easter---
1.  The day you see Catholics you havn't seen since Chistmas
2.  The day when Christ's body was missing and all the children are
worried about is finding the missing chocolate eggs.     
    
ecumenism - The practice of unity among Christian whereby Catholics cut
Protestants some slack for being close.

Egypt - the country which created the first form of writing:
hieroglyphics - the basis for all medical prescriptions.

envy - The sin Catholics commit when they think of non-Catholics who
get to remain seated during their church services.

eternity - The time between Communion and the end of Mass.

evangelists, TV  Preachers with miraculous power - the ability to
squeeze dollars out of the penniless.

Eve - The only wife who never had to worry about the "other woman"

everlasting life - What a Catholic will need to understand all the
changes since Vatican II.

eye of the needle - The analogy that provides a strong incentive for
rich men to breed tiny camels.

faith - Giving God the benefit of the doubt on the question "Can God
make a rock so big that even He, Himself, cannot lift it"?

fast - God's diet plan

Feast of the assumption - The holy day observed forty days after Easter,
by which all the black jelly beans will be gone.

fishers of men - A description of the Apostles who trawled for souls.

folk mass - The type of litergy celebrated at the church of Saints
Peter, Paul and Mary.

font - The baptismal basin where the priest wets the baby's head and
the baby wets the priest's vestments.

free will - A gift from God that you will pay for later if you use it
incorrectly.

Friday, Good - The day of the crucifiction of Jesus---which makes you
wonder what a Messiah's got to do to make it a Bad Friday.

Garden of Eden - Where Adam and Eve dug us a hole.

Gnosticism - Gneo-Christian cult based on gnebulous gnosis whose days
were gnumbered due to gnaysayers.

God - The Supreme Being who knows everything, including why the Howells
brought so many clothes for a three hour tour.

Godparent - A person who has to baby-sit on request.

Golden Rule - The most painful thing a nun can hit you with.

Good Samaritan - A  guy who today would probably get arrested and left
in jail until "60 minutes" did a story on him. 

Gospel - A term that means "Good news"...even though the homily always
follows.

Great Schism - A time when there were more Popes than heavyweight boxing
champions.

guilt - Agonizing paranoia somewhere along the lines of "God will get
me for what I did"  It racks the brain, twists the emotions, and turns
the stomach until the person's a physical wreck--and God's job is
already done.

habits---Nunderwear

Hail Mary---
1. A prayer you say when the answer to "Our Father" is "NO"
2. The answer to the question, "What could be worse than raining cats
and dogs?"

Handshake of peace--- Shaking hands with the kid next to you in Mass---
who just wiped his nose without a hankerchief.

Heaven's Gate - A passage that everyone wants to get through and a movie
that everyone avoided.

Hell -
1. A place that even Johnny Cochran can't save you from.
2. Satan's home on the range.

holy cards - Pictures of religious figures - like baseball cards without
bubble gum.

Holy Day of Obligation  
1. As in Monday night Football, a Mass that counts in the standings. 
2. A feast day on which Roman Catholics are duty bound to suffer through
their second Mass, sermon and collection of the week.

Holy Grail - The chalice that Jesus and the Apostles shared at the Last
Supper.  Its location is unknown and, considering oral hygiene, that's
probably for the best.

holy oil - Chrism rubbed on the foreheads of teenaged Confirmation
candidates - as if they needed more grease up there.

Holy Saturday - The day your knees are sore from Good Friday.

holy water - A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY

homily - The part of Mass when the pastor prepares the flock for the
fleecing.

hope - A desire that's dashed when Father Talkalot proceeds down the
aisle on a hot Sunday.

hymn - A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
the congregation's range.

hymn, recessional - The last song on Mass, often sung a little more
quietly since most people have left before that time.

Immaculate Conception -
1. A clean thought. 
2. The feast that reminds Catholics of the purity of Mary and the fact
that they have only seventeen more shopping days until Christmas.

Innocent III - The man who was Pope until Proven Guilty IV.

intercession - A prayer on behalf of another - although it shouldn't be
for the other person to die of hemorrhoids.

Issac - The bibical figure who became anxious when his father, Abraham,
wanted to spend some 'quality time' with him.