Recommendations relative to Unfinished Symphony...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Sun, 7 Jul 1996 13:14:48 +0100


Hiya Folks...

For a bit of a change...here's something to do with an orchestra...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


The President of a large California health insurance company was also
the chairman of the board of his community's symphony orchestra. 

He could not attend one of the concerts and gave his tickets to the
company's director of healthcare cost containment. The next morning he
asked the director how he enjoyed the performance. Instead of the
usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memorandum which went
like this:

The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations
relative to the performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony by the
Civic Orchestra as observed under actual working conditions:

a) The attendance of the orchestra conductor is unnecessary for public
performances. The orchestra has obviously practised and has the prior
authorisation from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined
level of quality. Considerable money could be saved by merely having the
conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective
peer review meeting.

b) For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do.
Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole
orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.

c) All twelve violins were playing identical notes with identical
motions. This is unnecessary duplication; the staff of this section
should be drastically cut with consequent savings. If larger volume of
sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic
amplification, which has reached very high levels of reproductive
quality.

d) Much effort was expended in playing 16th notes. This seems an
excessive refinement as most of the listeners are unable to distinguish
such rapid playing. It is recommended that all notes be rounded up the
nearest 8th. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees and
lower-grade operators with no loss of quality.

e) No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns
the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all
such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by a utilisation
review committee, the concert could have been reduced from two hours
to 20 minutes, with still greater savings in salaries and overhead. In
fact, if Schubert had attended to these matters on a cost-containment
basis, he probably would have been able to finish his symphony.