The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 19 May 1996 11:37:30 +0100
Hiya folks... Some daft signs for you... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ps...Another reminder that those of you who are leaving your email accounts for the long summer vacation should let me know when you are going so that I don't blow up your mailboxes...:-) ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ******************Internet Goddess******************* *********************ANDROMEDA*********************** ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Outside a jeweller's shop: EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT Outside an electrical store: WHY GO ELSEWHERE TO BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME IN HERE! Sign in a laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a dress shop window: DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT - COME IN AND HAVE A FIT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF In the window of a dry cleaner's: SAME DAY DRY CLEANING - ALL GARMENTS READY IN 48 HOURS Road sign: TURN RIGHT FOR THE FAIRY GLEN. BEWARE OF HEAVY LORRIES At the zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ELEPHANTS. IF YOU HAVE ANY PEANUTS OR BUNS GIVE THEM TO THE KEEPER ON DUTY. In an office: AFTER TEABREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: 'THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.' (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a furniture shop: OUR MOTTO: WE PROMISE YOU THE LOWEST PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP. Sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? In a grocery shop: TRY OUR LOCAL BUTTER. NOBODY CAN TOUCH IT. In a Chinese restaurant: IF YOU ARE SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IF YOU ARE NOT SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL THE WAITER Outside a farm: CATTLE PLEASE CLOSE GATE Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Sign on a farm gate: DOGS FOUND WORRYING WILL BE SHOT In a restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITING STAFF RUDE SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a smart shop: NO CHILDREN ALOUD Seen outside a travel agency: WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY? Notice in a pet shop: BIRDS GOING CHEEP! Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign in a picture shop: LET US PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE AND FRAME YOU In an electrical shop: WHY SMASH YOUR PLATES WASHING UP? LET ONE OF OUR DISHWASHERS DO IT FOR YOU Sign at a garden fete: BABY SHOW. ALL ENTRIES TO BE HANDED IN AT THE GATE In a cafe window: WAITRESSES REQUIRED FOR BREAKFAST Found in a butcher's shop: THESE SCALES ARE ACURATE NO TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers: YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON US Notice in restaurant: OUR CUTLERY IS NOT MEDICINE SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AFTER MEALS Seen in an American department store at Christmas: VISIT SANTA'S GROTTO. NO WAITING - WE'RE THE ONLY STORE IN NEW YORK WITH THREE SANTAS Seen at an American undertaker's OSCAR'S FUNERAL PARLOUR - WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND A SMILE Notice in a London park: NO WALKING, SITTING OR PLAYING ON THE GRASS IN THIS PLEASURE PARK Seen in a Coventry Factory: ANY MEMBER OF STAFF WHO NEEDS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF TO GO TO A FUNERAL MUST WARN THE FOREMAN ON THE MORNING OF THE MATCH Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Sign in a chemist's shop: WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY Spotted in a garden centre: UP THESE STEPS FOR THE SUNKEN GARDEN Sign on a newly painted bench: WET PAINT. WATCH IT OR WEAR IT Seen in a watch shop: PLEASE WAIT PATIENTLY TO BE SERVED. I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS Notice in the window of a fabric shop: REPAIRS AND ALTERATIONS DONE HERE. DYING ARRANGED Road sign: STEEPLE BUMSTEAD: LEFT 3 MILES RIGHT 3 MILES STRAIGHT AHEAD 3 MILES Sign outside pet shop: NO DOGS ALLOWED Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF Spotted in a Blackpool guest house: HOT AND COLD RUNNING IN ALL ROOMS Notice in Keighley restaurant: FROM MONDAY OUR CATERING ASSISTANTS WILL BE PLEASED TO SERVE CUSTOMERS TO THE VEGETABLES Seen outside a fire station: FIRE STATION - NO SMOKING Notice on Norfolk village shop: HALF-DAY CLOSING ALL DAY WEDNESDAY Sign in London pizza parlour: OPEN 24 HOURS - EXCEPT 2 A.M. - 8 A.M. Seen outside dancing academy: PLEASE MIND THE STEPS Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Circus poster: BIFFO BROTHERS' CIRCUS, FEATURING MARVO, THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. IN TOWN ALL WEAK Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead: THE LAST WORLD WAR. WHERE AND WHEN WILL IT BE FOUGHT? ST. MARGARET'S, HARTFORD STREET ON TUESDAY 22ND FEBRUARY AT 7:00 P.M. Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Sign in a tea shop: TODAY'S SPECIAL. POT OF TEA WITH STONES AND JAM. Spotted in a golf club: GOLFERS PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE Seen in a college: THIS WEEK'S LECTURE: UNDERWATER LIFE BY PETER FISH Notice in hairdresser's window: STYLIST WANTED. GOOD PAY AND FRINGE BENEFITS Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Sign at the tennis club: WOULD SPECTATORS PLEASE BE QUIET BURING MATCHES AND LET THE PLAYERS RAISE A RACQUET Spotted at the railway station: PASSENGERS ARE ASKED NOT TO CROSS THE LINES - IT TAKES AGES FOR US TO UNCROSS THEM AGAIN Notice at the zoo: CHILDREN FOUND STRAYING WILL BE SENT TO THE LION ENCLOSURE Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign in office block: LIFT OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE ELEVATOR Traffic sign: PARKING RESTRICTED TO 60 MINUTES IN ANY HOUR Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT Notice in church hall: ELECTRICAL SPECIALIST WILL BE HERE ON THURSDAY MORNING TO SHOW PARISHIONERS HOW TO WIRE PLUGS AND MAKE SMALL REPIARS. FOLLOWED BY A LIGHT LUNCH Sign spoted in farmyard: MANURE FOR SALE. BRING YOUR OWN BUCKET Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW Sign in a Japanese hotel: SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS Sign in Swiss hotel: DO YOU WISH TO CHANGE IN ZURICH? DO SO AT THE HOTEL BANK! Sign in Italian hotel: DO NOT ADJUST YOR LIGHT HANGER. IF YOU WISH MORE LIGHT SEE MANAGER Sign in Australian hotel: IN CASE OF FIRE PLEASE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER Sign in French hotel: IN THE EVENT OF FIRE THE VISITOR, AVOIDING PANIC, IS TO WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR TO WARN THE CHAMBERMAID Sign outside a French cafe: PERSONS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO OCCUPY SEATS IN THIS CAFE WITHOUT CONSUMING Sign in Egyptain hotel: IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, `ROOM SERVICE!'.