The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 12 May 1996 10:52:03 +0100
Hiya Guys and Gals...
Here's a bit of Gospel humour to cheer you all up...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
=========================================================
Date :- 3rd May 0023
TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers),
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would,
he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were
published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter
up with the highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and
will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Saviour's Saucy Story'.
2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is
entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust
underestimating the credibility of the average religious zealot.
3. That all references to the incident involving the members of members
of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be exised
forthwith.
4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the
theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric
effects of a large cast.
5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My
dearest Woolly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case,
that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should
on no account be discussed.
7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed
or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you
should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't
see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous
books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin'
the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same
vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a
profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his
promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.