The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 27 Mar 1996 21:08:32 +0000
Hiya friends... A little something for the select few... - A xx -- ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ***************************************************** **********************ANDROMEDA********************** ------- Forwarded message follows ------- >Title: Captain, I Shrunk the Wesley! > >Author(s): Steven P. Miale > >Scene 1: Transporter Room 3 (what happened to 1 and 2?) > >Riker: First Officer's Log, stardate 6.02x10^23. Transporter Chief >"Potatoes" O'Brien discovered a serious problem with the transporter after >he beamed Wesley down to the planet below for no apparent reason. We are >not sure if it is working properly, but we will soon find out. > >O'Brien: Ready for testing, sir. > >Riker: Good. Beam up Wesley! > >O'Brien: Want a disbursement, sir? > >Riker: Well.... no, it wouldn't be painful enough. > >O'Brien: I can switch his organs around... > >Riker: Tempting, very tempting... > >O'Brien: I can put his heart in his right toe. > >Riker: Oooh! That would really be painful... > but not painful enough. Beam that slimeball > ><Dr. Crusher walks in> > >Riker: I mean, beam that brilliant young mind aboard. > >O'Brien: Yes, sir. (with an evil grin) > >Riker: (mumbling) Maybe we should kill two Crushers with one stone... > ><The customary flash of light appears in the transporter room, but no one >appears.> > >Riker: I don't see Wesley. > >Bev: Neither do I. > >O'Brien: Well, he's not on the planet. > >Riker: Then where is he...<evil grin appears> > >Bev: No!!! You didn't... > >O'Brien: At least, I don't *think* so... > >Riker: Why was the transporter broken, anyway? What was wrong? > >O'Brien: Well, Wesley was screwing with it last night, trying to adjust >the mass generator... > >Riker: The what? > >O'Brien: The little dohickey that controls how big the people beamed in >get.Anyway, it didn't work, but then he got another dumb idea about how to >defeat the Ferengi using deoderant so he ran off... little scum. > >Riker: Is there a possibility that he was beamed to another part of the ship? > >O'Brien: Yeah, I imagine that git could've screwed that up, too... ><Bev is crying...> > >Riker: OK, I'll order security to look around for him. He'll turn up... >eventually. <hideous laughter follows> > >----- > >Scene 2: Somewhere on the Enterprise. > >Wesley: Where am I? It looks like some sort of corridor, but I can't tell >- it's so huge... maybe it's an alien race hundreds of times bigger than >humans! Maybe I can screw things up for *them*, too! ><Security officers appear, walking down the corridor in no apparent hurry. >They seem quite joyous, as they are gulping down tequilas.> > >Wesley: Hey! They *are* human! Gosh, that dohickey I screwed up last night >must've made me smaller! Wowie! > ><Riker is walking down the corridor, carrying an open bottle of Absolut.> > >Wesley: <yelling> Commander Riker! Commander Riker! > ><Riker looks around, confused.> > >Riker: I swore I heard someone. Hello? > >Wesley: It's me! Down here? > >Riker: <looking down> Wesley! What happened? > >Wesley: Well, I was playing, er, experimenting with the transporter to >make people real small, and look what happened! > ><Riker suddenly looks quite pleased.> > >Wesley: Is something wrong, sir? > >Riker: You know, I always hated you. > >Wesley: What? > >Riker: You always save the ship with your little whiz-kid routines. Nobody >likes you, get it? You can't act, you couldn't do a decent action scene if >somebody fired a phaser up your stick, and most people >on board this ship have been plotting your demise for the pastthree years! >You screwed up the Next Generation for the last time, >kiddo. > ><Riker steps on Wesley> > >----- >Scene 3: The Bridge > >Worf: I've searched the entire ship sir. We didn't find Wesley, but in the >process, we found about $500 in loose change, a romulan spy,the old gah >stand we *used* to have in ten forward before it was discovered that gah >causes cancer in Vulcan killer rabbits,and lookie here! <shows a photo> My >high school prom picture! That's K'tek, boy was she *hot*... > >Picard: Well, it was a great loss to lose ... uh, Commander Riker, could I >see you in my ready room? > >Riker: Aye, sir. > ><They walk together> > >Picard: Is that Wesley on the bottom of your shoe? > >Riker: Huh, sir? > >Picard: There are remains of a human being on the bottom of your shoe. > >Riker: Shit, I thought I scraped him all off... uh, yes, sir. >Picard: THANK YOU COMMANDER! YAY! NO MORE WESLEY! > >----- >Tune in for another *exciting* episode of Star Trek: The Next Bad >Script,when Kirk, McCoy, and Spock accidently swap places with their >comrades on the Enterprise-D, in the first installment of "Seven Years Bad >Luck: Get A Life!"