A college essay

Chris Bellingham ( chrisbe@crt.com )
Tue, 19 Dec 95 08:21:17 -0500


A friend who teaches at a local school passed this on to me and I thought  
you might all like to share it. Happy holidays!
The College Essay: A Classic Example of Creativity
Prof. Scott McGowan
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh  
Gallagher, was accepted by NYU. He has since graduated and is presently  
living and working as a writer in California. This essay has become a classic  
and has been shared with college admission officers throughout the US. Hugh  
is the nephew of one of Dr. McGowan's best friends. His family is presently  
in fear that he is writing a novel about the entire Gallagher clan. 
ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU,  
THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE  
THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE  
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have  
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more  
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban  
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.  
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my  
sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe  
inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty  
minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended  
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I  
play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous  
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical  
appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a  
ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy  
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan  
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last  
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  
I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international  
botany circles.
Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with  
deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield  
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that  
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I  
have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;  
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I  
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small  
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge,  
I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I  
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of  
life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals  
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have  
won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and  
spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed  
open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.