K.H.Wilson
(
khw@ukc.ac.uk
)
Thu, 16 Jun 1994 21:43:49 +0100
The following material has been may have been altered by:
(1) removing header and trailer (.sigs)
(2) fitting it in 72 columns
(3) correcting obvious spelling mistakes
(4) removing page feeds
Chuan K. Chee
............. ............
......... Star Trek: The Next Generation ..........
......... Episode XXI: Who's The Better Crew? ..........
............. .............
.......................................................................
Sponsor: Slingshot Mailing Service
- When it absolutly, positively, had to be there
yesterday.
Scene 1:
[In a low-budgeted type universe]
Kirk: Stardate supplemental. With Wesley gone and Troi as working
prostitute, everything looks great...Everything is running
smoothly, every lonely crew-member is happy, and the morale of
of the ship is up. Nevertheless, I have this feeling that some-
thing is going to go wrong...
[WHOOOOSHH!!]
Spock: Captain, the duck has returned.
Kirk: Open hailing frequencies: [Uhura does and nods] And will you
please answer instead of nodding! ["Sorry Captain"] This is Capt.
Kirk of the USS Enterprise. What brings you back? After that
little stunt, I oughta blast you first and then ask questions!
Picard:
Kirk: Why the change of mind?
Picard:
Kirk: You could have went back five days before lunchtime using the
the slingshot. What's the truth Picard?
Picard:
Kirk: [Rubbing chin] Okay, but it will have to wait until we finish
our current assignment.
Picard:
Kirk: No. [...well maybe one particular whale-lady...] Okay, we'll
help.
========================================================================
Scene 2:
[Aboard the NCC 1701-D...]
[Kirk and Picard pass some time on their way to the Neutral Zone...]
Kirk: Captain's Log...
Picard: ...the way its at
Kirk: Yo, we're travelin' through space...
Picard: ...To retrieve the brat
Kirk: I wouldn't bother...
Picard: ...its really insane
Kirk: But Picard wants to get in the pants of this dame!
Crew: Yeah!
Kirk: So here we are...
Picard: ...singin' you this rap
Kirk: To let you all know...
Picard: ...where things are at
Kirk: Hey we're almost there...
Picard: ...Well how 'bout that
Kirk & Picard: I just hope that Wesley knows
that he's not wanted back.
Crew: Yeah!!
========================================================================
Scene 3:
[By computer console of NCC 1701-D]
Picard: And this is our computerized log record...
Kirk: Hmmm...mind if I take a look?
Picard: Certainly!
Kirk: I see you have some old records here, from when I commanded...
Wait a minute! We never got that disease from another ship!
Picard: We did.
Kirk: Oh. And this one is messed up too! We didn't do that exactly
like that either! Oh and look! There's Trelayne! "Go back
from where thou camest!" He was a cute kid...sore loser though.
Picard: He called himself "Q".
Kirk: Your adventures are like our adventures! Don't you have anything
original that you've done?
Yar: I can't just stand here listening to him tell us that our adventures
are unoriginal!! I won't stand for it!!
Kirk: Dammit, girl! Get a hold of yourself!! *You* have got to get
a hold of yourself! Stop overreacting!!
Worf: Silence Kirk!! Look who's talking about overacting!!
Picard: Worf! Why so hostile?
Worf: Permission to speak openly, sir?
Picard: Yes.
Worf: That murderous terran killed my grandfather on Genesis!!
Kirk: Well your Klingon (bastard!) grandfather's crew tried to kill us!
And one member killed my son!
>Data: Intriging...
>
>Worf: [mumbling to himself] (Too bad it wasn't you!)
>
>Kirk: I got to go back to my ship. [into communicator] Beam me up,
> Scotty. [Kirk fades]
>
>Worf: [mumbling to himself] (Just like a terran...to run away from a
> Klingon!)
>
>========================================================================
>
>Scene 4:
>
>Beverly: Oh! You must be Dr. McCoy! My goodness! You look so young!
>
>McCoy: Yes, thank you...and you are..?
>
>Beverly: Crusher...Dr. Berverly Crusher.
>
>McCoy: [smile appears on his face] ..Crusher? [starts to laugh]
> Dr. 'Bones' Crusher?
>
>Beverly: Yes...what's so amusing?
>
>McCoy: Bones crusher!!! Oh I'm sure your patients love the name!!
> [Laughing hysterically] Dammit Jim I'm a sadist..not a doctor!!!
>
>Beverly: [Coldly] Really!!
>
>[Kirk enters]
>
>McCoy: Jim!! [Laughing and rasping for breath] Bones crusher!! Ha ha
> ha ha!!!! Dammit Jim, I'm a saa ha ha ha! [exits]
>
>[Beverly, all red in the face with anger, turns to face Kirk]
>
>Beverly: [coldly] What do you want?
>
>Kirk: I want to speak with you for a minute.
>
>Beverly: One minute. That's it.
>
>[typical Star Trek love music is heard...]
>
>Kirk: Every once in a while, a man falls in love with a beautiful lady.
> Sometimes he doesn't really know how to tell her he loves her. And
> when the guy feels like that his love will not be returned, he
> might do rash things, like even getting rid of anyone in his way,
> in order to love, and be loved.
>
>Beverly: [In a much calmer and sensuous tone] Oh James...
>
>Kirk: Yes Dr. Crushummmmmmp. [...As Beverly jumps on Kirk and they
> tumble to the floor of her cabin.]
>
>========================================================================
>
>Scene 5:
>
>[Aboard USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D...]
>
>[corridor]
>
>Scotty: Ach! Hows someone supposed ta find their way in this bucket-
> of-bolts?
>
>Voice: May I help you?
>
>Scotty: Aye, ye sure can. I was looking for the chief engineer,
> MacDougal. [Suddenly realizing that noone is around him] Who's
> sayin' that? [Sees wall computer in corridor]
>
>Computer: Chief Engineer MacDougal is in Engineering. Just follow the
> arrows below. Have a nice day, and maybe next time we could do
> tea or maybe we can talk about anything you want, or...
>
>Scotty: Up yer' shaft!
>
>[Scotty follows arrows until he enters...]
>
>[Engineering]
>
>MacDougal: Scotty, according to my teachings, you are known as "the
> miracle worker." I am honored to have you here talking to me!
>
>Scotty: Aye, I'm sure it tis lassie. So what's the maximum warp you
> have been able to get to.
>
>MacDougal: Very close to 10 sir. We are very proud to be one of the...
>
>Scotty: Less than warp 10! Wouldn't ye be havin' transwarp?
>
>MacDougal: Well, no...
>
>Scotty: Well let me see...[looks at panel of chips in wall]...lets see...
> Well, if my miracle instincts are still workin', all you need to do
> is switch this chip with this one, get rid of this one, an' put
> this, an' that should do it!
>
>MacDougal: What did you do?
>
>Scotty: I just simply removed the chip which prevented the extra flow
> of energy from goin' into the warp drive, but I also added a
> protector chip, which will prevent the warp chips from burning out.
> Actually it was quite easy.
>
>MacDougal: You *are* a miracle worker.
>
>Scotty: Aye!...an' let me show you some more miracles...
>
>[A grin appears on Scotty's face...]
>[Scotty and MacDougal proceed to her quarters...]
>
>========================================================================
>
>Scene 6:
>
>[In lounge of NCC 1701-D]
>
>Chapel: ...so you see, I am *not* your mother.
>
>Troi: I m sorry. I really did think that you were my mother. I do not
> understand. Confusion...
>
>Chapel: Well it's really quite easy. It's a matter of my personal
> marital status. Y'see, I am married to the boss, so I get to have
> a role in every series of his that I want to appear in.
>
>Troi: I see, so for special favors, you can get multiple roles?
>
>Chapel: Sure. Take the actor Mark Lenard for instance. We've seen
> him as a Romulan, a Klingon, and as Spock's Vulcan father. He is
> going to appear as a Ferengi, even though we're not supposed to
> know that Ferengi exist. [whispers] I have the script, so I know
> everything about everyone.
>
>Troi: What did he do for the boss to be given multi-roles? Did he do
> a special favor?
>
>Chapel: Oh he did a special favor...but for me. [winks at Troi]
>
>========================================================================
>Scene 7:
>
>[Aboard USS Enterprise NCC-1701...]
>
>Picard: You mean to tell me that she [points to Troi] can be used like
> that?? I've been sitting next to her for 18 episodes and I could of
> been...DAMN!
>
>Chekov: [to Sulu] Sound sexually fwustratid. Eh?
>
>Sulu: [smiles and nods, then says to Chekov...] Our captain never had
> it *that* bad.
>
>Spock: [To Picard] Affermative. It even took me by surprise, but I am
> in control of my emotions. I am in control of my emotions!! I *am*
> in control of my emotions!!! ARG! [Leaps onto Troi and mind melds]
>
>[Kirk enters bridge, straightening out shirt, and looks around...
> when the other crew members look at Kirk and give him a knowing smile,
> he smiles and winks back.]
>
>Kirk: Status report. [moment passes, and Kirk sees Spock] Spock!!
>
>Spock: [regaining control of his emotions] Aye Captain.
>
>Kirk: Status report.
>
>Spock: Oh. [he goes to his station and looks into viewer...after a second
> he replies in a calm voice] Klingons approaching...
>
>Kirk: Red alert! Shields up! Arm phasers! Magnification full!
>
>Picard: I must prepare my crew to go to get off the main bridge and get
> ready for battle! [Pressing insignia] Riker, get everyone off of the
> main bridge and into the battle bridge!!
>
>Riker: remember?>
>
>Picard: Good work! [Turns to Kirk] Anyone have a suggestion to what
> I should do?
>
>Kirk: Relax. Just sit on the floor and watch an old pro in action.
> Uhura, open hailing frequencies.
>
>Uhura: Aye, Captain...sir, the Klingons are sending a distress signal...
> code red.
>
>Kirk: Analysis, Mr Spock?
>
>Spock: They are in perfect condition. No external or interior damage.
> However, they are not cloaked and they're shields are down. All
> weapon systems are off.
>
>Uhura: They are signaling us, sir.
>
>Kirk: [Surprised] On viewer.
>
>Captain Dk'ls: Kirk!! You win!! We surrender!
>
>Picard: Hey! That's my line!
>
>Dk'ls: You want peace, you got peace! Just take back Wesley!!
>
>Kirk: What happened?
>
>Dk'ls: Well, we confined Wesley to a prison cell, but he escaped.
> He took over engineering, and looked over our cloaking device,
> and replied 'How primative'. He then made another cloaking
> device, which taps into the energy of our ship. His cloaking
> device, however, fits on his belt, and no one can see him.
> Oh please help us! He's driving us crazy!!
>
>Kirk: [sarcastically] What makes you think we want him back? [Picard
> glances and growls at Kirk] Maybe this is a trick. Maybe you
> are...
>
>Dk'ls: [whining] Please!!!
>
>Kirk: Alright already. [Into chair intercom] Scotty, beam up the little
> pest using the signal his insignia gives off as a position.
>
>Scotty: [sighing] <> [pause] <>
>
>Kirk: [Into chair intercom] Good. Beam him to the duck ship...
> [Picard glances at Kirk again] ...err, I mean the other
> Enterprise. Kirk out. [sighs and faces viewer]
>
>Dk'ls: Thank you. We will *consider* peace.
>
>Picard: Gotta go. Crusher must be waiting for me!!
>
>Sulu: The Klingon ship has just warped out of the system.
>
>Picard: Kirk, thanks for your help. I think I've learned a lot.
> Bye. [Picard beams back to his ship]
>
>[McCoy materializes on bridge]
>
>McCoy: Hi Jim! How was "Bones" Crusher? Was that just her name or
> sexual tendencies? [laughs hysterically]
>
>Kirk: Speaking of which, they forgot to beam Troi [who now fades]
> back....Oh well [sigh]
>
>[Every other male member on bridge sighs]
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Epilogue:
>
>Picard: Bev? Are you in?
>
>Beverly: Yes. What do you want.
>
>Picard: [enters] Are you ready to have some fun?..hmmm...
>
>Beverly: Not tonight. I've got a headache.
>
>Picard: What? Why not take something for it? You are a doctor y'know.
>
>Beverly: Oh Captain! Don't you get the picture? No, I don't have a
> headache. It's just that, well after Kirk, I know I can do much
> better than you.
>
>Picard: [flushed with anger] I...you...umph! [Starts to walk out of
> her room...] That's alright...there's something I've been dying
> to try with Troi anyway...'Bones' Crusher... [Laughs as he exits]
>
>[Beverly's face reddens with anger]
>
>[The End!]
>
>========================================================================
>
>
>
>This episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, has been created, thanks
>to the following older episodes:
>
>Trek Classic (old series) Diet Trek (cartoons)
>========================= ====================
>Episodes 1 - 79 Episodes 1A - 22A
>
>Cherry Trek (Movies) New Trek (new series)
>==================== =====================
>Movies I - IV Episodes 1 - 20
>
>...lets face it...we can find a little Trek in each of these that we
> can compare this episode to...
>