The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Tue, 17 Jul 2001 22:20:16 +0100

The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya People...

Today we learn how to assess the state of a hangover...This one comes
from Len...

Wishes & Dreams...


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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

A useful guide for hangover descriptions

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad
that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still
You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even
vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You
may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a
stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English
breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though
you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your
employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly
surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space
cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic
friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be
better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre
of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups
of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke -
yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might
honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted
you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You
wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so
crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look
like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from
the class picture of Moss Side secondary school circa 1976. You would
give a weeks pay for one the following:
1. Home time,
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night 

5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the
employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You
can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare
from your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every
pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's
toothpaste crust.
You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an
Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that
your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called
in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe...very gently.

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