God's Voicemail...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Mon, 9 Jul 2001 03:46:08 +0100


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya Loonies...

Modern technology is everywhere, but I bet you've not yet tried God's
voicemail service...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


WHAT IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install
voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following 
options:

Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS
Press 2 for THANKSGIVING
Press 3 for COMPLAINTS
Press 4 for HEALING
Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS
Press 6 for RAIN or NO RAIN
Press 7 for MIRACLES
Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS
Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI"
Press 0 to hear this menu again

What if God used the familiar excuse:  

"I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please
stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in
this millennium."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in 
prayer:

If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.

For Michael, press 22.

For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, 
please press 55, then wait for the beep and enter the number of the
Psalm you wish to hear.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 62. Enter 
his or her social security number, then press the pound (#) key, enter 
their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs,
please wait until you arrive here. Answers can only be understood from a 
"heavenly perspective".

To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically
transferred. PLEASE be careful; your receiver may become warm.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang
up and try tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday,
after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard
Time).

To order any religious material, enter catalog number, quantity, and a 
major credit card number plus expiration date.

For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.


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