The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Thu, 24 May 2001 22:31:01 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya People...
We get a lot of jokes about lawyers, but they too have their
problems...they have to put up with their clients...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
*** ***
*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
What the client says and what the client really means
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blah, blah, blah... but I'm innocent
= I'm guilty
No comment
= I'm guilty
The Judge was bent
= He didn't believe my lies / I didn't get my way
The police stitched me up
= I'm desperate and clutching at straws because they found me out
The police keep stopping me for no reason
= I snoop around housing estates at 3.00am looking for houses to burgle
or
= I drive like an ar*ehole with no seatbelt on
I'm not saying anything until my solicitor gets here
= I'm too thick to come up with a shallow and transparent excuse for
myself
I don't want a solicitor
= I'm going to tell the truth
Yes, I agree to abide by my bail conditions
= No way, just let me out I need some methadone
It's for personal use, I get it cheaper if I buy a load at once
= I'm a drug dealer
I bought it off some bloke in the pub
= I know it's stolen but I'm not telling you
He started it
= I started it
I was acting in self defence
= I lost my temper and attacked him for no good reason
I'll only be two minutes
= I'm selective about what laws apply to me
I was only doing 35
= I was doing at least 45
I have only had two pints
= I've had five pints
It was on amber
= It was on red but I fancied my chances and I'm late for work
I ran because I thought I was wanted
= I have just abandoned a stolen car you haven't found yet
or
= I was tooled up to steal a car and needed to dump the gear out of
sight
I use the knife for work/fishing
= I use it to mug old ladies
I used the screwdriver to fix something earlier and forgot all about it
= I've been caught looking for houses to screw
I just found it stashed behind a bush (seriously)
= I've just stolen it
And finally
I swear by almighty God to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing
but the truth
= I will recall and report the issue in a manner most favourable to
myself and my cause
Lawyer to Court;
"and I am instructed that..."
= No, I don't believe it either, but I am being paid for this.
"My learned instructing solicitor"
= the typist they sent to sit behind me.
"With respect"
= you are wrong
"With great respect"
= you are very wrong.
"With the greatest respect"
= you are barking mad.
"Turning now to the spirit/policy of the legislation"
= my client is bang to rights.
"I hear what you say"
= I do not believe a word of what you say.
"Well, m'lord, those are my instructions"
= I can't make it sound plausible and I'm no longer going to try. Just
rule against me on this.
Please include this information if you forward this joke:
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http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
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